I don't really mind all the bottles of prenatal vitamins taken. My body benefited I'm sure. I can live with all the OPKs & HPTs used and discarded. They gave me information when I needed it. And I'm OK with the amount of money spent at the clinic in pursuit of parenthood. Kids are expensive. Mine would just be a little more so. And the painful and uncomfortable procedures are nothing I'm sure to the pain of childbirth or the bliss of seeing that child for the first time.
No. What I resent is the months and years of curtailing my lifestyle in order to try (so far, unsuccessfully) to boost my fertility. No coffee, no wine or whiskey, no hot tubs, and no painkillers. Hoarding vacation days with the hope of using them to extend a maternity leave instead of taking a long weekend whenever I felt like I needed one. Maybe that's just my only-childish mentality... I've very rarely had to make personal sacrifices for anyone else before. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I mean really, why shouldn't I?
I also resent all of those girls and women who deny themselves nothing, only to find themselves unexpectedly expecting and then fail to appreciate the gift they have been given.
If I come to the end of my IF journey with a baby, I will happily swallow that resentment. But if after all our options are exhausted, we are still just the two of us... I'll be grieving more than the loss of a child. I'll be grieving the loss of years worth of fruitlessly denied personal comfort. And you bet your ass that I then will wallow in self-indulgence to the full extent of my abilities.
UPDATE: I wrote this post on my phone yesterday at work after I started spotting. Last night, the Professor and I had a long talk about cycles so far and the plan going forward. So you know where I'm coming from - the Professor was in pre-med when we met and now works in public health. Without going into too much detail (he's touchy about privacy), suffice it to say I have the utmost faith in his ability to analyze this particular situation and form an objective opinion.
I have been worrying a lot lately... about the amount of trust I have to place in our medical team and about the fact that we continue to use the same basic protocol. I finally voiced this concern to the Professor, and he was surprised and very reassuring. He has clearly considered the subject, and he is in full agreement with the RE. The main factor in determining the continuation of the Clomid+IUI protocol is the fact that the first time we used it, I got pregnant. IT WORKED. He reminded me of the statistics, that in any given cycle, a fertile couple have a 20% chance of fertilization (not even viable pregnancy, just fertilization). So, four Clomid cycles with one fertilization that ended in miscarriage is right in line with that statistic.
I have to say, his calm and rational analysis of the situation did more for my state of mind than anything else could. I feel like this will happen. It's going to be OK.