Sunday, December 18, 2011

Issues, I Haz Them

On Twitter a few days ago, I likened myself to a spoiled brat of a three year old, stomping my feet and wailing "Why meeee? Not Faaaair!"

And that terribly mature thought brought me up against a hard wall of realization. This may well be the first time in my life I that haven't been able to achieve what I set out to do by dint of hard work and perseverance... perhaps the first time I've needed to confront my motivations and the true strength of my desires.

Am I using my fears and ambivalence about parenthood to paint a child-free future into a rosier picture, just so that I can tell myself it was what I really wanted all along? Is it any wonder that I now doubt myself and my ability to be a good parent, faced with the first major failure of my life?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Nothing Owed

Thanksgiving was hard.

Our parents came to visit for a few days to celebrate the holiday with us. Keep in mind that they don't know we are TTC or that we have been doing treaments. Over the years, it has become clear that they have decided that we just don't want kids. They no longer press us about grandchildren, but the subject does come up in their conversations. Not so much that they want grandkids, more the acknowledgement that there won't be any. They don't even say anything to us directly, they just mention it between them in our hearing. So there was that.

And then there was a phone call that I overheard. I don't know if my Dad even knew I could hear him from the other room. The comment I heard was:

"He said, 'Doesn't she know she OWES you a grandchild?" And I said 'She doesn't OWE me ANYTHING... that's bullshit!'" Blah, blah, blah... at which point I kind of wanted to vomit. I was so proud of my Dad, even through the red haze of outrage that he was having to field those kinds of comments. Better him than me I suppose.

I laid in bed for hours that night, with those words running round and round through my head. The arrogance and ignorance behind them is appalling. I am still incredibly angry. I don't know who said that to him, and I won't ask. If it was a close friend or family member, I prefer not to destroy my relationship with them over that knowledge. BUT. God forbid they use those words in my presence, I will not be held responsible for my reaction and it will not be pretty.

If someone were to (or has) said this to you, how would (did) you respond? How did you wish you had responded?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

WTF (do we do now)?

We had our WTF follow-up for the most recent failed (un)IVF cycle earlier this week. There is no more tweaking the protocol. We've tried both agonist and antagonist with the maximum dose of stimulation and DHEA to boot. The upshot is we've thrown everything we can at my ovaries and they simply failed to respond. My ovaries are cut from the team. My overwhelming feeling about this is relief.

The RE was very kind but clear. We won't be doing another cycle with my ovaries. He laid out the standard next-step options (donor eggs, foster/adoption, childfree) and gave us some information on our clinic's DE program. He let us know that if we wanted to go with DE, there is no need to hurry. The clock is effectively stopped as far as success rates go. You might even say, the clock would be wound back in time.

Prof and I have discussed all of these possibilities in the abstract over the last year, and we are in agreement that foster/adoption are not right for us. Our decision now is between donor egg and childfree. There are pros and cons to both and we will need some time to work through our feelings about them before we know which way we want to move.

I also had my first meeting with the infertility therapist this week. It was really just a get-to-know-you sort of session, background stuff, but I liked her and I hope that she will be able to help us find our way through the decision making process in front of us.

We have some thinking to do, some decisions to make.

I am OK. We are OK. We will BE OK.