On Twitter a few days ago, I likened myself to a spoiled brat of a three year old, stomping my feet and wailing "Why meeee? Not Faaaair!"
And that terribly mature thought brought me up against a hard wall of realization. This may well be the first time in my life I that haven't been able to achieve what I set out to do by dint of hard work and perseverance... perhaps the first time I've needed to confront my motivations and the true strength of my desires.
Am I using my fears and ambivalence about parenthood to paint a child-free future into a rosier picture, just so that I can tell myself it was what I really wanted all along? Is it any wonder that I now doubt myself and my ability to be a good parent, faced with the first major failure of my life?
I think it's just natural to question everything. The realization that you might not be able to accomplish something no matter how hard you try is such a hard pill to swallow I think it's natural to try and convince yourself you didn't really want it in the first place. Failure is rough and I have similar issues with my failures. But it doesn't mean you wouldn't be a good parent. And it doesn't mean you wouldn't enjoy it and don't still want it. It just means that you have a choice to make. Hang in there, chica! We're with you whatever you decide.
ReplyDeleteThe "failure" aspect of infertility has definitely been one of the hardest for me. I have literally never not achieved a goal I set for myself over the course of 2.5 years of dedicated trying. Actually, I've probably NEVER tried so hard at anything before! It's quite the mind fuck.
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible to know what we will regret in five or ten years. I pray that if we are true to ourselves today, and as honest as we can be today, our future selves will forgive us and understand.
Only you can answer that question for yourself. But know this: having lived for most of my adult life without children (having decided to have them when was almost out of my 30's and my husband was in his 40's), I can say that both are perfectly valid choices, and you can be very happy either way. One isn't better or worse than the other, even though it may seem that way sometimes. There are different options and opportunities that come with each. Whatever you decide your path is from here, embrace it with the knowledge that while there may be some lack or surety or doubt that it is the correct path, such is life--and be happy and secure with your decision.
ReplyDeletethinking of you during this most difficult time
ReplyDeleteIt is such a slap in the face to learn that no matter how hard we try, we can't influence the outcome at all. I hope you're able to sort out the real feelings and let them guide you to the next step. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh, Slackie... it's not just any 'ol slap in the face... it's like the HIMYM Slapsgiving, where you never know when it's going to pop out and smack you right in the face. Sending you lots of love and clarity to get through this.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, YOU didn't fail. You are not a failure.
ReplyDeleteYes, it can be extremely frustrating to work so hard at something and for it not to work. IF sucks. It makes us question whether we want to be moms, when if we could just get pregnant easier it wouldn't be an issue.
Please know you are not alone.
You are allowed to have those particular feelings. I often feel like I possibly failed at having a child and then I give it one more try. I yell, I scream, I rant, I rave but still it only helps a little. I realize that I haven't failed but maybe I just need to change my goals of a more natural approach and realize that maybe my genetics need to be taken out of the equation for that goal to be a realization.
ReplyDeleteIt really makes it more difficult when we question ourselves. Would I even be a good mom? Did I ever really want to be a mom? To me it is just torture. Hang in there. Thinking about you.
ReplyDelete"Am I using my fears and ambivalence about parenthood to paint a child-free future into a rosier picture, just so that I can tell myself it was what I really wanted all along? "
ReplyDeleteThis is such a good question. It's like the girls who want to get married but their boyfriends don't, so they try to convince themselves that they are okay not being married.