Wednesday, November 9, 2011


When we embarked on the IVF process last Spring, I decided that I would pee on a stick every day from transfer to beta, just to watch how the lines would change from one day to the next over the two week wait. So I invested in a 25pk of cheapie early detection tests from Amazon.

Since we finally managed a cycle that DIDN'T get cancelled (even if it did get converted), and since I had a feeling that I was ready to stop treatment and plan my childfree future, I decided this was my chance to pee on those sticks. For posterity, the results were as follows.

7dpIUI = BFN
8dpIUI = BFN
9dpIUI = BFN
10dpIUI = BFN... 30 minutes later, one last look. Is that a line? Hard to say... maybe.
11dpIUI = BFN... Perfectly clear.
12dpIUI = BFN
13dpIUI = BFN

Last night, I started cramping and shortly thereafter, bleeding. Even though I was still on Crinone. Ah well. Beta this morning came back negative. Obviously, this was NOT a surprise.

We have our WTF appointment after Thanksgiving. I don't know if we will continue treatment. That will depend to some degree on what kind of explanations and change of protocol the RE presents at our WTF. I'm approaching 40 years old and my ovaries are apparently done. We've talked about donor eggs, but realistically I don't think we can afford it and we don't know anyone who we would feel comfortable asking to be a known donor.

I will also be meeting with a psychologist who specializes in infertility related therapy. To say I am conflicted would be putting it mildly. Most days, I just want to walk away and get on with my life, childfree. I'm so tired of being indefinitely "on hold". I want my body, my paycheck and my LIFE back. Believe it or not, I can actually see a number of positives to this path. Then there are moments when some tiny thing brings my future crumbling down around my ears in a flurry of memories I will never get a chance to create. A photo of a friend's three year old dressed up for Halloween, the new set of Christmas lights we just bought, a birth announcement for a baby with our favorite boy or girl name.

I do realize that if we go the donor egg route, we could take some time off to save up. However. That would effectively still be keeping us "on hold"  and in the IF game, and even if we bypass my very tired ovaries, any resulting pregnancy would still be high risk due to my age alone.

We have a lot to think about, a lot to discuss.