Wednesday, November 9, 2011

POAS

When we embarked on the IVF process last Spring, I decided that I would pee on a stick every day from transfer to beta, just to watch how the lines would change from one day to the next over the two week wait. So I invested in a 25pk of cheapie early detection tests from Amazon.

Since we finally managed a cycle that DIDN'T get cancelled (even if it did get converted), and since I had a feeling that I was ready to stop treatment and plan my childfree future, I decided this was my chance to pee on those sticks. For posterity, the results were as follows.

7dpIUI = BFN
8dpIUI = BFN
9dpIUI = BFN
10dpIUI = BFN... 30 minutes later, one last look. Is that a line? Hard to say... maybe.
11dpIUI = BFN... Perfectly clear.
12dpIUI = BFN
13dpIUI = BFN

Last night, I started cramping and shortly thereafter, bleeding. Even though I was still on Crinone. Ah well. Beta this morning came back negative. Obviously, this was NOT a surprise.

We have our WTF appointment after Thanksgiving. I don't know if we will continue treatment. That will depend to some degree on what kind of explanations and change of protocol the RE presents at our WTF. I'm approaching 40 years old and my ovaries are apparently done. We've talked about donor eggs, but realistically I don't think we can afford it and we don't know anyone who we would feel comfortable asking to be a known donor.

I will also be meeting with a psychologist who specializes in infertility related therapy. To say I am conflicted would be putting it mildly. Most days, I just want to walk away and get on with my life, childfree. I'm so tired of being indefinitely "on hold". I want my body, my paycheck and my LIFE back. Believe it or not, I can actually see a number of positives to this path. Then there are moments when some tiny thing brings my future crumbling down around my ears in a flurry of memories I will never get a chance to create. A photo of a friend's three year old dressed up for Halloween, the new set of Christmas lights we just bought, a birth announcement for a baby with our favorite boy or girl name.

I do realize that if we go the donor egg route, we could take some time off to save up. However. That would effectively still be keeping us "on hold"  and in the IF game, and even if we bypass my very tired ovaries, any resulting pregnancy would still be high risk due to my age alone.

We have a lot to think about, a lot to discuss.

19 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about the negative result.
    I feel like my life is on hold too - its like everyone else is living their life while I watch it happen. It sucks. I get it when you say you want your life back, like I just want it to either happen now so we can just get on with our life.
    Take care

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  2. I can see the positives, too, and they are starting to seem less and less gloomy. I am relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks about this.

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  3. I'm so sorry for the BFN, Slackie. You have a tough decision to make, and I really wish you weren't in that position. ((hugs))

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  4. Here from Mel's wish game post.

    I hope that your WTF appointment gives you a really clear direction to take next. I'm sorry you feel so stuck and like your life is on hold right now. I hope that you can find a way beyond that feeling, soon, whatever you decide to do in terms of treatment.

    (((Hugs)))

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  5. Oh, Slackie. This sucks and I'm so so sorry. I wish there was a secret phrase for really really really heartfelt sorries as opposed to the random you're the top of my timeline on twitter-type sorries so that you could tell the difference. This is the former. I'm so sorry.

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  6. I'm really, really sorry. BFN just SUCK.

    I started with an infertility therapist about two months ago, it has helped so much. All my best-thinking of you.

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  7. So sorry about your BFN. I am happy you are finding the positives in your future. Hugz!

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  8. Oh no, I am so sorry. I hate that you are faced with this decision. Hopefully the WTF appt. will bring some clarity. Thinking of you.

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  9. I'm so sorry about the BFN, but I'm glad to hear that you're finding positives in another journey. Sending you hugs.

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  10. Oh bb, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you're suffering.
    Just send me a note if you want to talk. Always here to listen or read any rant.

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  11. Sorry to hear that your beta came back negative. I think counseling is about the only thing that is getting me through these infertility treatments.

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  12. I'm so incredibly sorry hon. :-(
    Please take some time to be good to yourself before making huge decisions, ok? I'm glad you're going in for some therapy. It's the only thing that kept me sane through the last couple of years.
    Sending a gigantic hug!

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  13. I'm so sorry about your BFN. As for therapy, I switched to an infertility specialist last spring and never looked back. She just gets it, every aspect of it.

    (Btw, I'm new to commenting but have been reading your blog for a while!)

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  14. "Most days, I just want to walk away and get on with my life, childfree. I'm so tired of being indefinitely 'on hold'." This is exactly how I feel and what prompted a post I wrote last week. In a way, though, it's freeing to be able to feel like this after so long.

    I'm sorry you're at a standstill. I hope solutions begin to present themselves, hopefully in baby-form. And if not, I hope you can find peace soon.

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  15. I'm sorry to hear about the negative, Slackie. I don't have much that I can really say, but I do hope that you find peace in whatever path you choose. After such frustration with your IVF cycles, I can see the appeal of moving forward in a different direction.

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  16. I am so friggin sorry for you. I didn't know what to write and I still don't. Just sending you strength to make the decision that is right for the both of you.

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  17. I am so sorry you are living "on hold" I feel this has been the way for me for so long... until now I got lucky...
    I hope God grants you wisdom to know when the right time is to stop treatment and that you can do the things you want to do and be closer to your family.. surviveandthrive.co.za

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  18. I know I'm a different age, but I really feel the same way. I don't anticipate my chances of conception getting any better as time passes. And I know that here too soon I'm going to hit a place of letting this dream go. My husband told me he has let go of the idea of us having biological kids and wants to move forward with adoption, and I don't think he'll give me many more chances of us trying. And I can't force him to pursue a lot more treatments if he doesn't want to do it. And I'm just frustrated and tired and .... BLAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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