Saturday, October 29, 2011

My Trench is Taking on Water

This is probably more of a post for my peeps still in trenches with me, as it were. I kind of feel like not only am I still in the trenches, but my trench is filling with water and I'm drowning in this hole I've dug myself. Those of you currently pregnant or parenting are surely drowning in a nearby though totally separate trench and I hope you understand that I'm not actually asking anything of you here and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I'm also fairly certain I've seen others write posts just like this before. I'm feeling a little derivative, but this is where I'm at. I know I'm not alone, not the first infertile to visit this space. That's really what will make me hit publish. So that maybe someone else will see they are not alone.

I know "Once infertile, always infertile", but my Twitter timeline and my blog reader have made a significant and painful shift recently. Huge numbers of the internet friends I made when I first stumbled into this community have now crossed over to the pregnancy/parenting side of things. Most days, it feels like all I see is pregnancy plans and questions with a healthy dose of nursing/diaper habits. It's really starting to get me down. Like Thinking-of-Seeking-Therapy Down. Even my online support group is becoming just another reminder of the ways my body is failing and the dreams I can't seem to fulfill. I am feeling worse and worse by the day about my chances of completing an IVF cycle, to say nothing of a take-home baby. Hell, with the failure of this most recent attempt at an IVF cycle, I'm even feeling jealous of those of you who just make it to retrieval. Relieved for you, but jealous all the same.

My initial instinct is to unfollow out of self-preservation and it may yet come to that, but I don't really want to lose my connection to these women. They are still infertile, they have been supportive, they have been where I am (and where I hope to be) and they have feelings too. I don't want to hurt them by disappearing.

For those of you who have written this post before me, how did you handle this?


  1. I know this feeling! I have no idea how to cope or how to not hurt other's feelings. I know that many others have been where I am but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Hang in there. ((hugs))

  2. I so could have written this. It is really hard. I find that if you stick around long enough, every one practically finds a way to pull out ahead of you. It is really hard and very lonely. I have no good advice, but I am with you in the trenches and with my shitty track record it seems pretty unlikely that I am going anyplace anytime soon.
    much love to you

  3. I wRote a similar post a few weeks ago and made the decision to unfollow newly pregnant blogs that I hadn't formed relationships with. You have to for your own sanity. I didn't want to hear a peppy cheerleader it's all going to be alright cause when your in that trench you just never know. You need to look after number 1 and you can always refollow later. You have had a monumentally shitty run and it bloody sucks.

  4. I really & truly know how you feel as I've been there. I ended up sorting my Twitter into three lists (I did this on Tweet Deck by the way). The categories were (and still are actually): TTC, Pregnant and New Mom's. It helped me immensely. As for blogs where they talk about being pregnant, I didn't unfollow them (unless they were super over the top annoying) but I wouldn't really read them all the time. I don't know if that helps much but bottom line - it sucks ass and if I had it my way, you'd be in the 'pregnant' and/or 'new mom' category my friend. Please know, no bullsh*t, that I think of you often and that I want you to get knocked up asap. Any which way, I'm here for you my friend. Sending love, hope, luck and a windfall of finances your way.

  5. I absolutely know what you are saying as I feel much the same. I've had to unfollow some pregnant blogs over time. And I've cried because I felt left behind and fear that I'll never get there...

    Today is my first truly happy day in a long time... because I'm currently at CCRM and (so far) having my best results on my 4th IVF (first & only here)... I was in tears before my ER yesterday knowing it would be my last ER and DE is my next step. And today I got an amazing fert report! CCRM a lot of money... but they get results here. I can't explain it... but to me it's worth it. Would you consider traveling for IVF?


  6. I hope it's alright to post this. I've completely been there. We've been in the trenches a very long time, and I frequently felt like I was drowning. I never stopped following blogs of others who became pregnant, but I did censor what I read a bit - especially when things would get very discouraging and difficult. I don't think you're alienating other women at all for doing so. They understand, since we've all been there. What's important is that you take care of yourself along this journey and find your way of ensuring that this community is a source of support, encouragement, and inspiration rather than stress and discouragement. Wishing you the best...

  7. I do unfollow some people, but it depends on how their blog progresses. Some people do seem to forget their journey to parenting/pregnancy. Those are the blogs I unfollow.

  8. I've no idea how to answer this, but I want to make a point of saying thanks again for being supportive. We've been so close with our cycles and mine has turned out so differently from yours. I really do wish there was something that I could do to help, but infertility is such a crippling feeling for everyone. Try to keep yourself above the water filling your trench for long enough to get back some of that long lost hope.

  9. if you need to unfollow...then do so...I cannot blame anyone for doing what they need to do for themselves. I was initially sad to lose some followers when I got my BFP, but I never held it against any one. I even still follow those who no longer follow me. This is an agonizing journey and it's hard to watch others get what we're all working so hard for.

    Do what you have to one will hold it against you, and if they do, they don't belong in this community anyway. When you feel like, you're always welcome hard feelings...

    Thinking of you!

  10. I wrote this post back in August 2010-- I felt exactly the way you do. Take a break. When following other people's stories hurts too much, step away. Everyone will understand.

    I will still follow and hope for the best for you.

  11. I haven't written about this yet, but I totally get it. And it's funny, because lately I've been thinking...gee, I need to find some new IF blogs where they *aren't* pregnant, because I'm feeling kind of lonely.

  12. Like others have said. If you need to get away then do it. They have been in your shoes and hopefully will understand. They will be there if you ever want to return. Do what is best for you. Take care of you. Hugz!

  13. I just found your blog. I'm so sorry to hear about your troubled IVF this cycle. It just sucks. I guess it's nice to get a break from shots, though that's not much of a upside.

    As to the "everyone's pregnant but me, even infertiles" trench you're in, I've so been there. I quit Fertility Friend (and have no plans to go back) because of that feeling and only read blogs of pregnant folks when I'm ready. I know they know the feeling and don't take it personally...

    I have lots of hope for you...

  14. Some people I unfollowed, some people I just read a little less frequently, and some people I read but rolled my eyes (especially people whose blogs just turned into that god-awful weekly pregnancy list shit), and the people who I'd become friends with and/or had followed for a long time, I continued to comment when I felt I had something relevant to say. But honestly, everything depended on who the person was, how well I knew them, how interesting their blog remained, and above all, what I felt like I could handle that day.

    Eating everyone's dust fucking sucks, and I feel like that still deserves more recognition and support than being a former dust-eater/current dust-creator deserves.

  15. I think you need to protect your own sanity as much as possible. Like you said, ultimately Twitter etc. is meant to be your online support system.

    When we went through our first miscarriage I unfollowed almost all pregnant tweeps - although some who I knew very well I kept following, and others I felt able to add back in over time. It was especially difficult for me to follow the tweets of those ladies who'd gotten pregnant at the same time as me. I felt it was just keeping me in a dark place, and my brain didn't need much encouragement to stay there.

    Stealing your trenches metaphore; we are all fighting this war together, but there's times when you really need the support of those in the same platoon as you.

    Much love,
    deli. (@afewgoodsperm)

  16. You know, even being knocked up now I still find myself clicking "unsubscribe" on newly preggos who I don't have a close bond with. I don't blame you if you do, it's totally understandable.
    Just don't do it with me, ok? I promise not to be smug and annoying and I'll send you chocolate.

  17. I deleted my twitter. I also automatically block anyone on FB once they announce their are pregnant. (I haven't even unblocked people who I thought were pregnant after that stupid breast cancer memo...seriously.)

    It's about making life better for you. I have 3 sisters that are pregnant, and I've unfollowed their FB postings so that while we are still friends, I don't have to be barraged with the "I'm so tired, being pregnant sucks!" posts.

    And I'm much happier. I hope you will be too, soon.

    PS. I feel you...the pregnancies as of late are in the tens!

  18. I'm pretty much where you are now. So thanks for posting this. Maybe I'll get some ideas from your comments. In the meantime... HUGS. Huge huge HUGS to you, Chica.

  19. EUGH!! I just typed a long comment and it disappeared! :( Let's try again.

    I think once bloggers become pregnant, unless I am especially drawn to their blogging, I stop checking in as often.
    You've been given some great advice and I think it's important to do what is best for you!
    Maybe take this opportunity to find new "still in the trenches" blogs to follow and bloggers to support. I know I always feel a little bit better when I offer support to others, even if I am in need of some support myself.

    All the best!!

  20. I guess I feel like there are "seasons" in life and in infertility. Sometimes I have taken a break from certain blogs, and returned to them when I'm in the head space to handle it. And as many other folks have said, explore some new blogs and find other people in a similar place as you. I totally feel the same way. In the trench. Stuck. Going nowhere. Not enough chocolate in the world to replace a child.