Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why Bother?

DISCLAIMER: This is probably going to seem like a really random collection of thoughts, but (if you roll with it) it should all fall into place by the time I'm done.

In facing down IVF, I'm also facing down a lot of doubts and fears:

I am not psychologically strong enough for IVF.
My eggs and I are just too old for even IVF to succeed.
Once won't be enough and we'll go broke trying again. And again.
I will never feel like I can stop trying.
IVF will work and I won't be "up to" motherhood.
Prof and I will survive IVF only to be driven apart by parenthood.

The one I'm particularly stressing on at the moment is my age. I know chronological age really means nothing in this game. I know some women in their 20's are facing early menopause and some women in their 40's can still get knocked up on their own. They are the outliers.

I am 38, and 39 is approaching faster than I care to acknowledge. My FSH is 10.7 and my AMH is .33 - not good numbers for a woman trying to make a baby with her own eggs. So the clock, it is a'ticking.

In an effort to do everything possible to bring this IVF adventure to a successful conclusion, I decided to head back to acupuncture again and to hit it as hard as I can, even when the insurance coverage runs out. I hadn't been in for acupuncture since last Fall before my "second opinion" with the clinic recommended so highly by my acupuncturist. If you've read that post, you'll understand the quotation marks. If you haven't read it, you should, because it was a trainwreck of a second opinion.

As I was catching up with Dr. Needles and bringing her up to speed on the plan, she asked if I was still seeing my original RE... and I could see where she was heading with that. I explained to her that I had been for a second opinion with her recommended clinic last Fall and I gave her a brutally honest report of my experience there. She was surprised and suggested I should definitely share my thoughts with them, but frankly I don't see the point.

She explained the reason she recommends them so highly is that she has had several patients who were turned away by my clinic but then went on to achieve a successful pregnancy at the Spa. The upshot of this is that my fertility clinic won't treat just anyone who walks in the door. I suspect their higher success rates may be due in part to the fact that they will apparently turn patients away who they don't feel they can help. At the time of this conversation, I had not yet seen the newly released success rates, so I obviously didn't bring them up.

I admit I'm a little conflicted about this. It's comforting that they don't just take the payments and let people go through treatments that aren't likely to work. At the same time, it's disconcerting that they are making calls about who to help or not.

So this is one more thing that CAN give me hope, one more thing that tells me it is worth going through this ordeal. If Dr. Original didn't think he could help me, he would have said so and he probably wouldn't treat me.

So that's one reason why I bother to push forward on this path.


  1. Hang in there chica! I'm 37 today and my AMH is 0.1 and My FSH is 16. I haven't succeeded yet but I did manage to get some decent eggs and embies out of IVF #1. I am still hopeful for FET. I totally get ALL your fears. I have them too. ::HUGS::

  2. Hm I guess I just thought that fertility clinics would help people whether they thought they would be successful or not. I mean, who knows, someone who could have a super low chance on getting pregnant could actually get pregnant miraculously.

    That kind of bothers me that they turn people away...

  3. I think it's good and brave to voice your concerns so honestly, I'm proud of you. I have many of the same myself. My FSH and AMH were the same as yours, but are now both improving. Might be worth it to re-test? Regardless, I am praying that this will work for you. <3

  4. It's huge that the clinic has turned people away. It says they're not just in it for the money -- if they honestly think they can't help someone, they won't. If you're still there, you've got a really good chance!

  5. Thank you for your post - I can totally relate to your thoughts. Glad to hear that you are still pushing forward. I am sure that when you do become a mother - you will do an awesome job!

  6. Hang in there sweetie . . . you so can do this!!
    Please have hope that this can work, I have hope for you, bags of it. I hope the acupuncture can help again.

  7. Very reassuring that you are being treated despite their choosy practices (which is kinda shady!) Seriously, you should feel good that they are confident that this will work for you. BTW, my first AMH test was 0.3 and I responded well to the meds, although at higher doses than normally prescribed.

  8. I can relate "why even bother?" I know some people questioned my decision to go with donor egg but that's what made sense to me and D. And if staying with clinic #1 makes sense to you. Go with that.
    If that clinic is known to not string patients along, I truly believe, it is a good sign.
    I know, it is hard but just try to stay in the moment. Once, IVF time arrives, we're all here to support you, cheer you along and be with you all the way.

  9. I think all of those fears are perfectly rational and normal, and I think a couple of them are even ones that ::gasp:: fertiles have too!