Tuesday, March 8, 2011

So... When Are YOU Going to Have Kids?

Talk about a common thread! We all get this question or some variant thereof at some point. And we all know going into any major family or social gathering that we're probably about to get it again (repeatedly). So this is by way of a reference post for IF'ers prepping for a situation in which the Dreaded Question is likely to arise. Below are some examples I have previously seen shared when one of "us" has had an impending need for such resources.

When in need, revisit this list of quick & easy responses to inquiries into your reproductive life. And for maximum points, follow up your response with a very derisive "But thank you SO MUCH for asking".

If and when God chooses to bless us. My personal favorite, said with a sickly sweet intonation. No offense to you Believers out there, but this one covers all bases. If the questioner is religious, they can't really argue with God's will. If they aren't religious, you can hope they have the sense not to argue religion with you in any event. In my case at least, if they know me at all, this shuts the conversation down entirely because they begin to suspect I've lost my mind.

I'm waiting to see how yours turn out first. Good for new parents.

When the CIA clears our files. (BumpyJourney) 

When you stop watching my uterus. (naturalmelnow)

The voices told me not to.

Actually, I am pregnant. I'm due in twelve months. Then walk away rubbing tummy. (carlnjessdewy) 

What and spend the next 20 years fat, tired and broke?

Kids are really expensive and I'd rather... fill in the blank with your favorite pricey indulgence (travel, shopping, technology).

Why? Are you selling?

When do you need to know?

To a single person: When you get married. (amvdm23) 

To a MIL/FIL: Well, I'm having unprotected sex with your son/daughter ALL THE TIME...

Are you worried about our sex life, because you don't need to be. Say it with bedroom eyes... Rowr.

I don't think our sex life is appropriate dinner conversation. (BornInABarnBaby)

I don't know, but I'll be sure and put your name on our list of people to notify as soon as we do!

If the questioner is a man... When is your next prostate exam?

If the questioner is a woman... When is your next pap smear?

And why exactly is that information that you need to know?

How do you know we aren't already trying and having trouble? (OldEggs)

When you pay for my next IVF cycle. (IVFJess & SassyNTubeless)

My darling Professor actually responded once, "So when are you planning to die?"

I saw this one on a message board (courtesy of Toxic) and I like it:

"There are thousands of couples, desperate to have a child, who struggle with infertility, mostly in silence. Every time they see smiling mommies at the playground, or go to a baby shower, it's a traumatic experience -- reminding them of the joy that they can't have.

I'm not going to tell you whether we're one of those couples or not, because it's not your business. I'm just going to tell you how hurtful your well-intentioned question is to someone who is.

Please don't ask me, or anyone else, again."

If you have any other brilliant suggestions, please leave them in the comments!


  1. sadly no one asks me when /if I'm going to have kids, because they all know I am single and getting a bit old!

  2. These are perfect, Slackie! In fact, I JUST used the "I'm waiting to see how all of yours turn our first" line this past Sunday while at a birthday party for a two year old. But, man, that last one, if I could've memorized it and delivered it the right way I would've loved to try it, especially w/my idiot I got-knocked-up-by-accident 27-year-old co-worker. She's such a moron she'd probably STILL not get it if I said it to her!

  3. I actually said to the lady that checks me out at the grocery when she asked when we were going start popping children out (by the way, who says that?) I told her when my lady parts start working with me and not against me.

  4. In my mind, I like going for the shock value, and saying "I tried having kids but they're all dead now!" in just the right perky tone. In real life, I smile politely and grind my teeth.

  5. We like to say, "Dunno, but we are having a hell of a fun time trying! My favorite are the shots I get in my ass!"

    Ugh.... Really, I just want to have my eyes, my expressions speak for me, because frankly, I am tired of wasting my breath!

  6. Just had someone spring this question on me on Saturday! I should just get used to it because I'm of "the age" (early 30's) when people think it's ok to ask. At work I usually don't tell them we've been trying unless I'm already buddies with them but I've started telling everyone else, "well, we've been trying for over 3 years" and (unintionally) it stumps them.

    Most peole don't realize how rude it is ask, so unless I'm in a crappy mood I try to educate them nicely! (which makes me sound way nicer than I am, ha!)

  7. Hahahahaha... I love the one for MIL/FIL. I would never use it... I'd die of embarrassment. But it's fun to imagine in a world where I was braver.

    Others that I think in my head but never say out loud:

    "Whenever my rebellious lady parts decide to make peace with the rest of my body."

    "Just as soon as my rogue ovaries decide to start behaving."

    "Once my uterus reconciles itself to the fact that it can, indeed, hold and nourish a baby."

    "The moment any of the above named send up the white flag."

    "The day that my lady system cries uncle to the outrageous amount of hormones the small army of doctors has been pumping into it for years."