Sunday, February 20, 2011

This Is My Life?

This is not Letting Go. This is Losing A Dream.

I'm numb, in shock, in denial. Mildly bitter, but still strangely calm. Utterly clueless about what my next move should be.

IVF obviously. But what do I do now? Call the clinic on CD1... but why? What will they tell me to do? I have no plan of action, no calendar in place. Another consultation to create a plan?

This can't possibly be my life. This kind of thing just doesn't happen to me. Oh sure, you hear or read about other people going through this all the time. It's so much more common than you might think. But it's always been other people. Not me. I feel like I just landed a starring role in someone else's movie.

It seems more than a little disingenuous of me after everything we've been through in the last 2+ years, that I never really believed we would have to go to such lengths to reproduce. How is it that this can still come as such a shock?


  1. Oh my dear, I hear you. We're not quite as far along in treatments as you, but we've been trying for quite some time. Whether you anticipate a long and difficult journey our not, it's still hard when each step brings a BFN and the reality sinks in that it's going to take even more. Hang in there... I'm thinking of you and hoping that as with so many, IVF brings you your miracle!!!

  2. I'm so sorry. You are not alone in your feelings. I said many times, "I can't believe this is my life, or I never thought this would be my life."
    Thinking of you.

  3. Oh hun, I know exactly how you feel. When we made the decision to pursue IVF this past cycle, everything seemed to fall apart, come back together momentarily, fall apart again, and now I'm just kind of wandering around in a dream...well, a nightmare more like. I just have to keep believing that a) this is going to work, and b) when it does work, how that baby got here won't matter a jot.

    Take some time to breathe and relax. Talk to your doctor, let it all sink in, and then see what you want to do.

  4. I'm so sorry. I can relate to going through IUIs, certain that this one will be the one, only to find myself now facing IVF. If its an option, you may want to consider taking a cycle (or two) off. My infertility obsession break really did me a world of good.

  5. It's such a shock because we all want to be that woman with the miracle story of getting pregnant (and remaining that way for a full 40ish weeks) on the eve of her IVF cycle. We want to be that woman who finally "stopped trying" and it "just happened." We don't want to be the woman whose last-ditch effort before IVF failed. Even when we see it coming, we're in denial.

    As for letting go, well, there's no reason letting go cannot be gradual, is there? You can be in the process of letting go, but you're not made of stone. You're still human. And there will still be things that suck the wind right out of your sails, no matter how much letting go you think you've done.

  6. I always have felt like I was wishing on everyone else's stars.

    Hugs and Love!

  7. I don't know how it can not be a shock. It's shocking. This isn't ever how we expect our lives to go. And we get on the treatment treadmill and when something changes, it catches us off guard.

    I'm sorry you are struggling and hurting right now. I hope that life seems brighter and better soon.

  8. I'm sorry too. I understand. I still don't really believe that I am infertile, and can't quite accept that I will have to do IVF if I am to hold onto any hope. Hope is what drives us forward and we are but slaves to our dreams.

    My advice? You've had enough set-backs and breaks already, make that phone call and get an appointment organised so you can make a plan for moving forward. (Provided you are in the right position financially to do so, and that your work situation is not going to be a problem?). Good luck xx

  9. I'm so sorry. I feel exactly that way - I often cannot fathom that I've been through what I've been through. So many hugs to you <3

  10. While I'm still so new to the whole IF group, I knwo that it's a shock because it never fails to hurt. It's damn near impossible to not get your hopes up every cycle, and it's heartbreaking when that BFN shows up.

    I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. I know there aren't really words to help the situation, but just know that you have a huge support group out here who is pulling for you, keeping our fingers crossed and sending good vibes.

    Sending a virtual hug.

  11. Hang in there as best you can, Slackie! I hate that you have to be in this place with the added stress of your boss' absence. Take some time if that's what you need (although I'm sure it feels like that's that last thing you've got). Thinking of you and HUGS.

  12. "This is my life?" is a phrase that crosses my mind about once a week. Sitting back to reflect is often shocking! We've all been through so so much, and have no idea when it will all end, nor how. I'm so sorry you haven't gotten your BFP yet. It's unimaginably unfair. Maybe your plan right now is to have a little break, give yourself some space to heal, and then start to make the next plan. Sounds like a plan to me!