Crinone

If you've been reading my story for any amount of time, you know I tend towards luteal phase defect and my RE always gives me extra progesterone supplementation after ovulation. For my final IUI, he changed things up and prescribed Crinone instead of my usual suppositories. This is a progesterone gel that is delivered vaginally via pre-filled applicator like yeast infection creams.

I've seen quite a few other bloggers and tweeps who used it, but they usually just refer obliquely to ickiness, build-up and discharge. I hadn't really seen any practical suggestions for minimizing the ick. So for the benefit of anyone who hasn't taken this form of progesterone, but wants to know, here are the tips I got from my IF Twitter girls. If you have experience with Crinone, feel free to leave your own tips & tricks in the comments! For anyone else, this may be TMI in a big way. Consider yourself forewarned!

• Wear all cotton underwear, and not your nicer selections.
• Wear a liner if you don't mind them.
• There will be build-up. Be pro-active about removing it.
• You will need to go in and remove the build-up yourself. Do this in the shower.
• Your insides will feel very strange indeed.
• No douche allowed. 
• Side effects include: sore boobs, constipation, bloating, headaches and more. 
• You may have to wait a few days for CD1 if you get negative beta and stop taking the medicine.

Naught

Not dreaming.

Not obsessing.

Not worrying.

Not planning.

Not railing against the unfairness of it all.

Not thinking positive.

Not visualizing success.

Not bargaining with the Universe.

Not feeling hopeful.

Not feeling much of anything but sad.

Reunited

Obviously, we made it back from our reunion. It was totally and completely bizarre and intense. So intense, there were a few moments when I really thought I might vomit.

I saw so many people that I wish I could see every day, and a few people who I could gladly have gone the rest of my life without EVER seeing them again. There were countless places we revisited that hadn't changed a bit and whole new worlds that have been created in our absence. Previously open green spaces are now filled with (quite beautiful) buildings. We returned to our favorite boozing haunt and were greeted by bling-wearing, Benjamin-flashing, gun-toting hoods and bar room brawls. Things have definitely changed!

I was forcibly reminded of the beauty of the place, the insanity of the drivers, the harshness of the lives of the working class in a tropical destination when contrasted against the wealth of those who they work for and even a few unpleasant memories from my time there.

By far the most difficult aspect of the weekend (to no one's surprise) was seeing our old friends with their children. I thought we were doing fairly well with it, no tears or breakdowns, just a bittersweet sensation. And we were actually, up until we said goodbye to the last friend and started the drive back to the hotel by ourselves. To that point, we hadn't really had any alone time so we hadn't really had time to think too much about it. Nothing like a crowd for distraction!

As we made the drive back to our hotel that last night, Professor was unusually quiet. When I asked him what was up, he admitted that he was thinking about how adorable our friend's three year old daughter was and that he was really feeling his mortality. We talked about how hard it was to see all of our friends reproducing and replacing themselves in the world when it seems unlikely that we'll be able to manage it ourselves. I'm pretty sure we both ended up in tears.

We've got one last shot, moving to IVF. With no insurance coverage, we'll be lucky to fund one cycle. I'm realistic. Plenty of people see success on their first IVF, but it seems like an almost equal number of people get nothing (though they may see success in a 2nd or 3rd cycle). There's no way of knowing which camp we'll fall into or even if IVF will simply uncover new issues previously unidentified.

Bless My Poor Little Ovaries

It's funny, having adopted my philosophy of Letting Go, my attitude about my ovaries has been shifting. For the longest time, I've been resentful of them. I've called them names and cursed them for their slacker ways. I've blamed them over and over for all of the heartache of the last two years.

But in the last month or so, I've noticed that when I do think about them* it's with a feeling more akin to pity. Bless them, the poor little things. I've been pushing them so hard, bombarding them with hormones and they really are trying to perform, and I believe now that they are actually doing their best.

Brace yourselves, dear ovaries. You ain't seen the worst of it yet!

*Seriously though, how many women actually spend any time considering their ovaries? I'm betting it's just us IF'ers.

This Is My Life?

This is not Letting Go. This is Losing A Dream.

I'm numb, in shock, in denial. Mildly bitter, but still strangely calm. Utterly clueless about what my next move should be.

IVF obviously. But what do I do now? Call the clinic on CD1... but why? What will they tell me to do? I have no plan of action, no calendar in place. Another consultation to create a plan?

This can't possibly be my life. This kind of thing just doesn't happen to me. Oh sure, you hear or read about other people going through this all the time. It's so much more common than you might think. But it's always been other people. Not me. I feel like I just landed a starring role in someone else's movie.

It seems more than a little disingenuous of me after everything we've been through in the last 2+ years, that I never really believed we would have to go to such lengths to reproduce. How is it that this can still come as such a shock?

BFN. Again.

Beta was negative. Not much else to say really.

Feeling well and truly fucked. I'll stop the Cri.none now and wait for CD1. I assume the clinic will tell me what happens after that.

No idea how I'll manage IVF with my boss out of the office.

In Case I Needed Just a Little More Stress...

I came back from my vacation to discover that my boss is very ill. So ill that she's been hospitalized for the foreseeable future. Totally unexpectedly.

Please take a moment to send her your prayers and good thoughts. Then please say some for me as well.

To say I am unprepared for her absence is an understatement. I do not know how we are going to manage the coming weeks (possibly months, or so I've been warned). We will, but I don't know how.

One day at a time I guess.

So if I'm not here much, if I lose track of your storyline or if I seem to be AWOL from Twitter, please know this is why.

All Quiet on the Uterine Front

The final IUI is done and I am in the two week wait. Everything went well. There is no obvious reason for it not to have worked. But then, there has been no obvious reason for any of the treatments failing over the past year plus. We did what we could and now we wait.

I am slightly less hopeful with each failed cycle, but not running on empty just yet. I'm still in a pretty peaceful place and I hope I get to stay there if this cycle doesn't pan out.

Funny story: The morning of the IUI, I went in with Professor to help him out in the collection room. As I always do. Keep in mind, nobody ever offered this as an option and I never asked permission. I've always just followed him in. So this time, we get into the room and he's kinda giggling. I asked him why and he tells me the new lady at the desk gave me quite the funny look when I followed him in this time. Guess I took her by surprise. Heh. God I really hope we're the talk of the staff meetings....

To My Valentine

My darling Professor, love of my life:

Smart
Strong
Silly
Gentle
Protective
Supportive
Funny
Honorable
Generous
Hard-working
Hopeful

I'm so lucky to have him, so lucky that he loves me, so lucky that we are so in tune with one another. I wouldn't change him for anything.

Thawing Out

We are off to Florida for our college reunion today! There will be an absolute ton of old friends on hand and I am so excited for the chance to hang out with them again. There is a core group of friends who have kept in touch and all attended one another's weddings, and I think they will all be there. Most of our college buddies that attended our wedding will be there, and several who weren't able to make it as well. BFF(H) will be there, so I'm getting to see her twice in a 12-month stretch which is beyond awesome.

Our social circle in the town where we live is pretty small. We have no family here and only a handful of friends made through our jobs over the years. None of our college friends are within socializing distance (the closest are about 5 hours away), so this weekend represents an unprecedented opportunity to reconnect with our old social network. I'm afraid when we come home, I'm going to be very sad to leave the circle again. I know I'll be sad to be returning to snow.

I haven't been back to visit the campus since 1998 and looking at the campus map, things have changed A LOT. I'm kinda freaking out about that just a little. I have such fond memories, and I know this is going to be a shock. I just hope I can be more excited about seeing the improvements than I am sad about the changes.

I'm also VERY curious to see some of the people who I haven't kept up with over the years. I'm wondering how many of them will have kids in tow, and how many will ask if we have any kids. I'm braced for the inquiry and trying to remember some of the better comebacks I've heard, but they are escaping me at the moment. Is it wrong that I'm secretly hoping that most of them are fatter, more grey and more wrinkled than I am?

"Why no, we don't have kids..." but hey, I do still get carded for alcohol at age 38. I'll take my joy where I find it!

Regret

Should be a four letter word.

Seems like we all say it at some point (I know I certainly have)... I regret not starting to try sooner.

In my current (more sane and peaceful) mindframe, I can see that this is dangerous thinking. Should I have tried to get pregnant when I didn't want a kid, just in case I did someday? Should I have brought a child into the world to be parented with that lying, cheating douchebag I was living with when I was 21? Should Prof and I have jumped into marriage and parenthood while we were still in school, living in different countries?

You just can't make yourself want something you don't want. You can't force yourself to be ready for something. Sure, you can step up and deal with it if it happens unexpectedly, and you can even grow to be happy about it. But when you have to make a conscious decision to start down the path, it just seems ill advised to do "just in case" the future might not work out the way you think it will. You do the best you can in the moment and try to look at mistakes as educational opportunities.

Just like parenting, I expect.

We can't plan for everything. We can't see the future. And every past decision we have made, every path we have chosen, has contributed to who we are today. Baby-making situation aside, we have a great life.

Do I regret not starting to try sooner? Occasionally, in darker moments... of course. I'm only human after all. But on the whole, no regrets.

Award Season (UPDATED)

Apparently tis the season for blog awards as well. Quick shout out to missohkay (currently on the path to adoption after RPL) and A (who recently got an au naturel BFP after three years of treatments), both of whom have recently honored me with awards - thanks so much ladies! If you haven't met them yet - go introduce yourself.

I'm going to cheat a bit with the rules of the awards and direct you to this post for some random facts about me, and in the spirit of randomness, I nominate everyone on my Recommended Reading list in the sidebar (25 most recent posts from blogs I follow).

Now get out there and give each other some love!

UPDATE: Shortly after I posted this I got another award, this time from Moon, so I'm rolling it in here as well. Thank you Moon!