I seem to be running up against my first series of tests in the Year of Letting Go. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my miscarriage. I was pleasantly surprised to be totally OK with the anniversary. And admittedly a little surprised not to be more hopeful about my late period.
Yep. According to my iPhone app, my period is three days late. I didn't bother to track this cycle, so I have no idea when I ovulated, but my iPhone has yet to be wrong about CD1. I hesitated to POAS because I don't have any symptoms (of pregnancy or impending period) and I really didn't want to do anything to disturb the peace.
But.
There was ONE stick in the house, and there's always a chance... always a little hope, right? So yesterday, on CD28 (MysteryDPO), I peed on a stick. And the stick said No. Actually, the stick said "Not Pregnant" because the only one in the house was one of those fancy digital ones, but you get my drift.
Amazingly, I passed the POAS test as well.
BFN but the Peace reigns undisturbed.
Showing posts with label anniversaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anniversaries. Show all posts
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Last Anniversary For a While
One year ago today, after weeks of waiting and knowing it was coming, I had a miscarriage. My one and only pregnancy. And today?
Today, I am OK.
Today, I'm just wondering if I'll ever get a second chance.
Today, I am OK.
Today, I'm just wondering if I'll ever get a second chance.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Tis the Season
I've already shared my feelings on this time of year, and none of that has changed, but this has been a particularly difficult Christmas season. I can't quite put my finger on why this is. I'm hoping that writing things out will help me clarify things and maybe that will help me get past it.
Oddly enough, my gloom doesn't SEEM to have anything to do with the absence of offspring in my home. That is a fairly persistent, dare I say, permanent gloom. A not-so-low-level hum of sadness that rests like a wet blanket on my everyday life. But I'm not really dwelling on that any MORE than I was last month, or the month before.
So why does the pile of yet-to-be-wrapped gifts on the dining room table cause me to break into tears? (Actually, this one I know. Those gifts don't seem nice enough, creative enough, just plain good enough for the lovely people I bought them for. And that breaks my heart) Why can't I seem to get off the couch to put ornaments on the tree that Prof so sweetly set up and strung with lights? Why does the thought of the cookies and other treats I still need to bake cause my stomach to turn? Why haven't I been able to sign our names to the Christmas cards and put stamps on them?
I don't know what (if any) relationship there is, but I do know I have been feeling much less confident and competent for the last few months. I've spent two years now doing everything I know to do in an attempt to bring our child into the world, with no success and no explanation of why nothing has worked. I have failed at the most basic, biological level. I know this won't be a surprise to any of you IF'ers, but this fundamental failure is coloring my perception of every other aspect of my life. Clue #1.
Ah.
If you back up a few lines, there's Clue #2. Two years. In 10 days, we will hit the anniversary of our one and only BFP, our one and only glimmer of hope that we might ever see success. In just over two weeks, we will mark the two year anniversary of throwing away the BCPs. And the one year anniversary of learning that our BFP wouldn't last. In just over a month, we will be at the one year anniversary of the miscarriage that ended that lone BFP.
That's a lot of weight for a festive season to bear.
Oddly enough, my gloom doesn't SEEM to have anything to do with the absence of offspring in my home. That is a fairly persistent, dare I say, permanent gloom. A not-so-low-level hum of sadness that rests like a wet blanket on my everyday life. But I'm not really dwelling on that any MORE than I was last month, or the month before.
So why does the pile of yet-to-be-wrapped gifts on the dining room table cause me to break into tears? (Actually, this one I know. Those gifts don't seem nice enough, creative enough, just plain good enough for the lovely people I bought them for. And that breaks my heart) Why can't I seem to get off the couch to put ornaments on the tree that Prof so sweetly set up and strung with lights? Why does the thought of the cookies and other treats I still need to bake cause my stomach to turn? Why haven't I been able to sign our names to the Christmas cards and put stamps on them?
I don't know what (if any) relationship there is, but I do know I have been feeling much less confident and competent for the last few months. I've spent two years now doing everything I know to do in an attempt to bring our child into the world, with no success and no explanation of why nothing has worked. I have failed at the most basic, biological level. I know this won't be a surprise to any of you IF'ers, but this fundamental failure is coloring my perception of every other aspect of my life. Clue #1.
Ah.
If you back up a few lines, there's Clue #2. Two years. In 10 days, we will hit the anniversary of our one and only BFP, our one and only glimmer of hope that we might ever see success. In just over two weeks, we will mark the two year anniversary of throwing away the BCPs. And the one year anniversary of learning that our BFP wouldn't last. In just over a month, we will be at the one year anniversary of the miscarriage that ended that lone BFP.
That's a lot of weight for a festive season to bear.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Mumble, Mumble, Moan
Fair warning - this is mostly moaning.
The family has vacated the premises, so it's safe to log back in. We had a lovely (if short) visit with the parents. We ate way too much and drank too much wine, and there is enough food (and wine) left over to feed another table of six. I didn't even bother to log my calories on myfit.nesspal. BFF(B) very kindly stashed my meds in her fridge so the parents wouldn't accidentally stumble on them and NOBODY mentioned grandkids or babies at all. Nice.
Started working on the Christmas lists (for giving and receiving). Actually ventured into the retail wilds on Saturday and scored a few gifties for Prof so I can start crossing things off! That was traumatic enough, I think I'll stick to the internet for the remainder. Funny, I used to love shopping, but now it's absolute torture.
Pre-op consultation with the RE is this Tuesday. No idea yet when the surgery will be, but this will get us on the waiting list so if someone else cancels in December we might get in sooner rather than later. Otherwise, looks like it might be January. More waiting.
I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how we'll pay for the IVF if we end up on that road. My maxed out FSA will cover most of it, but they don't cut me a check until a procedure has been performed and a claim sent in. The IVF has to be paid in full two weeks before retrieval. Which leaves a gap that my credit card can't handle. So there's that.
I have our last major work event of the year coming up this Thursday. I had to leave this event early last year with the onset of what I have since decided was an early miscarriage. After three days of sore boobs and brief flashes of nausea (the likes of which I had never experienced before and have not seen since), I got what was one of the worst periods of my life right in the middle of this event. My period is due over the weekend (can't pinpoint since I didn't track ovulation this cycle), so if my luteal phase is shortened, I may get to have my period for the event this year as well! Good times, can't wait.
We should get our new appliances this week (if all goes according to plan - ha! ha!) and I need new tires on my car before we get actual snowfall (or godforbid ICE). I'm more thankful than I can express that we have the cash to do these things right now and don't need the credit card for Christmas gifts this year. Not all bad.
Every inch of my body hurts and if I breathe deeply, I get an unpleasant hot feeling in my lungs. With everything I need to accomplish this week, I DO NOT need the flu. I just want this week to be over already.
The family has vacated the premises, so it's safe to log back in. We had a lovely (if short) visit with the parents. We ate way too much and drank too much wine, and there is enough food (and wine) left over to feed another table of six. I didn't even bother to log my calories on myfit.nesspal. BFF(B) very kindly stashed my meds in her fridge so the parents wouldn't accidentally stumble on them and NOBODY mentioned grandkids or babies at all. Nice.
Started working on the Christmas lists (for giving and receiving). Actually ventured into the retail wilds on Saturday and scored a few gifties for Prof so I can start crossing things off! That was traumatic enough, I think I'll stick to the internet for the remainder. Funny, I used to love shopping, but now it's absolute torture.
Pre-op consultation with the RE is this Tuesday. No idea yet when the surgery will be, but this will get us on the waiting list so if someone else cancels in December we might get in sooner rather than later. Otherwise, looks like it might be January. More waiting.
I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how we'll pay for the IVF if we end up on that road. My maxed out FSA will cover most of it, but they don't cut me a check until a procedure has been performed and a claim sent in. The IVF has to be paid in full two weeks before retrieval. Which leaves a gap that my credit card can't handle. So there's that.
I have our last major work event of the year coming up this Thursday. I had to leave this event early last year with the onset of what I have since decided was an early miscarriage. After three days of sore boobs and brief flashes of nausea (the likes of which I had never experienced before and have not seen since), I got what was one of the worst periods of my life right in the middle of this event. My period is due over the weekend (can't pinpoint since I didn't track ovulation this cycle), so if my luteal phase is shortened, I may get to have my period for the event this year as well! Good times, can't wait.
We should get our new appliances this week (if all goes according to plan - ha! ha!) and I need new tires on my car before we get actual snowfall (or godforbid ICE). I'm more thankful than I can express that we have the cash to do these things right now and don't need the credit card for Christmas gifts this year. Not all bad.
Every inch of my body hurts and if I breathe deeply, I get an unpleasant hot feeling in my lungs. With everything I need to accomplish this week, I DO NOT need the flu. I just want this week to be over already.
Monday, November 8, 2010
All Eyes On the Scoreboard
I'm staring down yet another CD1 and contemplating my third benched cycle in a row. We go in for our second opinion tomorrow morning and may or may not be getting some new ideas. With only two covered injectible cycles left on my insurance, it seems wise to hold them in reserve pending new information and a potential change of plan.
In ten days, on November 18, we will hit our one year anniversary in fertility treatments. Like the rest of you, I never expected it to take this long or require this much effort. It's been a busy year to say the least. As we approach the twelve month mark, our IF scoreboard reads as follows:
CD1s: 12
IUIs: 6
Clomid Cycles: 5
Injectible Cycles: 2
Benched Cycles: 5
Pregnancies: 1
Miscarriages: 1
Those last two are a real kicker, huh? Looking at those numbers, I know we've done a lot this year treatment-wise. I think if we had done any more, we would literally be done at this point, yet I've been feeling guilty for not jumping immediately back into treatment as soon as the last cyst resolved. I even felt guilty the one cycle I took off this summer to preserve my sanity from the Clomid Crazies. The first CD1 after the most recent cyst fell at an incredibly inconvenient time, but if I had been more motivated, I probably could have found a way to squeeze in a baseline appointment. And this month, it is only the voice of fiscal responsibility cautioning me to conserve my insurance coverage that is keeping me from pursuing treatment. Both months perfectly good reasons to skip a cycle, and yet I feel this guilt.
In ten days, on November 18, we will hit our one year anniversary in fertility treatments. Like the rest of you, I never expected it to take this long or require this much effort. It's been a busy year to say the least. As we approach the twelve month mark, our IF scoreboard reads as follows:
CD1s: 12
IUIs: 6
Clomid Cycles: 5
Injectible Cycles: 2
Benched Cycles: 5
Pregnancies: 1
Miscarriages: 1
Those last two are a real kicker, huh? Looking at those numbers, I know we've done a lot this year treatment-wise. I think if we had done any more, we would literally be done at this point, yet I've been feeling guilty for not jumping immediately back into treatment as soon as the last cyst resolved. I even felt guilty the one cycle I took off this summer to preserve my sanity from the Clomid Crazies. The first CD1 after the most recent cyst fell at an incredibly inconvenient time, but if I had been more motivated, I probably could have found a way to squeeze in a baseline appointment. And this month, it is only the voice of fiscal responsibility cautioning me to conserve my insurance coverage that is keeping me from pursuing treatment. Both months perfectly good reasons to skip a cycle, and yet I feel this guilt.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Where Does the Time Go?
I had one of THOSE moments today at work. One of those "anniversary" moments.
Last year, the end of the two week wait in our first cycle with the RE fell just after Thanksgiving. By the end of the holiday weekend I was actually having some mild symptoms, super-sore boobs and sudden, random flashes of severe nausea. I also had some light spotting. The Tuesday after, I was working an annual special event our office puts on and I got my period. It was bad, the worst in my recent memory. As soon as the event got under way, I told my boss I needed to go home. I'm fairly certain now that I was actually having an early miscarriage. I can still remember those symptoms vividly, and while the next cycle brought us our first ever positive and more super-sore boobs, that particular variety of nausea has yet to reappear. Neither has a positive.
Today at work, I overheard a conference call regarding the initial planning for that same annual event. It was like someone drew the needle across a vinyl record (you know the noise they use in a sitcom when everything comes to a screeching halt). Heads up! Here comes an anniversary! When the annual event rolls around this year, we will have been working with our RE for one year and TTC for one month shy of two years.
Please God let me be knocked up by then...
Last year, the end of the two week wait in our first cycle with the RE fell just after Thanksgiving. By the end of the holiday weekend I was actually having some mild symptoms, super-sore boobs and sudden, random flashes of severe nausea. I also had some light spotting. The Tuesday after, I was working an annual special event our office puts on and I got my period. It was bad, the worst in my recent memory. As soon as the event got under way, I told my boss I needed to go home. I'm fairly certain now that I was actually having an early miscarriage. I can still remember those symptoms vividly, and while the next cycle brought us our first ever positive and more super-sore boobs, that particular variety of nausea has yet to reappear. Neither has a positive.
Today at work, I overheard a conference call regarding the initial planning for that same annual event. It was like someone drew the needle across a vinyl record (you know the noise they use in a sitcom when everything comes to a screeching halt). Heads up! Here comes an anniversary! When the annual event rolls around this year, we will have been working with our RE for one year and TTC for one month shy of two years.
Please God let me be knocked up by then...
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