I've already shared my feelings on this time of year, and none of that has changed, but this has been a particularly difficult Christmas season. I can't quite put my finger on why this is. I'm hoping that writing things out will help me clarify things and maybe that will help me get past it.
Oddly enough, my gloom doesn't SEEM to have anything to do with the absence of offspring in my home. That is a fairly persistent, dare I say, permanent gloom. A not-so-low-level hum of sadness that rests like a wet blanket on my everyday life. But I'm not really dwelling on that any MORE than I was last month, or the month before.
So why does the pile of yet-to-be-wrapped gifts on the dining room table cause me to break into tears? (Actually, this one I know. Those gifts don't seem nice enough, creative enough, just plain good enough for the lovely people I bought them for. And that breaks my heart) Why can't I seem to get off the couch to put ornaments on the tree that Prof so sweetly set up and strung with lights? Why does the thought of the cookies and other treats I still need to bake cause my stomach to turn? Why haven't I been able to sign our names to the Christmas cards and put stamps on them?
I don't know what (if any) relationship there is, but I do know I have been feeling much less confident and competent for the last few months. I've spent two years now doing everything I know to do in an attempt to bring our child into the world, with no success and no explanation of why nothing has worked. I have failed at the most basic, biological level. I know this won't be a surprise to any of you IF'ers, but this fundamental failure is coloring my perception of every other aspect of my life. Clue #1.
If you back up a few lines, there's Clue #2. Two years. In 10 days, we will hit the anniversary of our one and only BFP, our one and only glimmer of hope that we might ever see success. In just over two weeks, we will mark the two year anniversary of throwing away the BCPs. And the one year anniversary of learning that our BFP wouldn't last. In just over a month, we will be at the one year anniversary of the miscarriage that ended that lone BFP.
That's a lot of weight for a festive season to bear.