Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Infertile Wonderland (or more WHY?)

I'm so weary.

I find myself wondering why I am continuing to push myself so hard (both physically and emotionally) to get knocked up. Why am I so single-minded in this pursuit?

Do I really want my husband's baby this much? Or am I just unwilling to admit there is something I can't do? I've spent so much of my life being told by people who love me that I shouldn't give up on some endeavor or other just because I was struggling, just because it was hard, just because I didn't see instant success. Always kinda made me feel like they thought I was being a quitter. Nobody likes a quitter, right?

Don't give up.

Keep trying.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

Have I reached the point that I'm just doing this to prove that I can? And to whom am I proving this... myself, the Professor, our families (who don't even know we're trying), the world at large? I don't know the answer to that, and I'm not sure I want to. But I do know that we haven't yet exhausted our options or our resources. We haven't tried everything we can. And I know that I don't want to look back in 10 to 20 years and regret not trying every possible option. So we continue... as soon as we get the all clear in January.


  1. It's a crazy balancing act, and we can't help wondering why we're doing it now and again. But if you have it in your heart to keep trying, that's probably your answer. I hope the quest yields success soon.

  2. This journey is exhausting. I'm so sorry that you're feeling burned out and starting to question your motivations. I think it's normal to start asking these questions. No one else can give you the answers, but you wouldn't be putting yourself through all this if it wasn't something you truly wanted.

    "I know that I don't want to look back in 10 to 20 years and regret not trying every possible option." This sentiment is what has motivated me through the tough parts of my journey.

    I hope you can get a bit of time out over the holidays before the next step begins. Look after yourself Slackie! *hugs*

  3. Well, obviously I cannot speak for your personal motivations (although I do think Sloper has some good insight...). But one of the things my mom always said and that has really stuck with me as good advice is, "I regret the things that I have not done, not those that I did." It's surely to be taken with a grain of salt, but I think it might apply... Thinking of you.

  4. I hope that 2011 brings you success. It is so hard to keep going, but I am like you. If I hadn't tried each thing I would have always wondered.

  5. I've wondered the same thing myself. I've never really failed at anything in my life the way that I'm failing at getting pregnant. And, I hate failing. Am I really this much of a masochist? Or do I really want biological children? I have a feeling it's the latter, and we're just exhausted from all this requires. Hang in there babe.