I admit it. I'm scared to do this IVF. I keep having this irrational urge to cancel the whole thing.
What if it works? Shit y'all, I'm nearly 39 years old. Will I be able handle such a major life change with my sanity intact? And what if it doesn't work? Will I be able to let that go? Will I feel compelled to accumulate more debt just to keep trying? Will I resent making that monthly payment on the debt we've already acquired to make this one shot possible?
And then there are the longer-term repercussions. My mother had estrogen sensitive breast cancer. I have been pumping my body full of excess estrogen for a couple of years now and IVF will raise that bar exponentially. Does that make me even more vulnerable to the same disease? My right boob was killing me the other night (it has stopped now), and all I could think was, "What if we go through all of this, and I end up with cancer like my Mom? Would it be better or worse to at least have a baby to show for it?"
I don't have an answer.
I went through IVF at 39 also (and it worked!). I now have a 7 week-old daughter. Let me tell you, I had all of your concerns. IVF raises your estrogen a lot for about a week. I read all the studies, and it doesn't appear to cause breast cancer. It just doesn't raise your hormones for very long at all. And yes, the baby is a big lifestyle change, but it is wonderful beyond my wildest dreams. Well worth it! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's a-scary.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I can give you is to take it step by step, minute by minute. I know it's hard not to immediately plan for the worst-case scenario, but the more you take your IVF in bite-size pieces, the easier it is. Worry about your sanity injection by injection, u/s by u/s, worry about accumulating more debt only if that actually does become something you need to worry about, worry about letting go once you know there's something to let go. Easier said than done, I know.
I wish I had something eloquent to say. I have yet to hit the IVF train but your mixed emotions make a lot of sense. You're literally putting all of your eggs in one basket (yay obscure "friends" reference) and that's a scary place to be. Sending positive thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteoh my, so much to think about. I have no info on breast cancer and estrogen meds, but I would say that there is no real right answer. That is what is so hard about this, you just need to make the best choice you can and then start praying. I always wish there was a way for someone to make the choice for me or tell me what the "right" answer is.
ReplyDeletehere to hold your hand along the way....
Thinking of you. It is a very scary and difficult process, and regardless of the outcome, it is life changing. Hang in there... behind you all the way!
ReplyDeleteI am in the same boat as you, although we haven't reached the IVF stage yet. Planning for that later this year. My mom also had estrogen sensitive breast cancer and all I see ahead of me is days and days of constant estrogen. How can that be a good thing. You have every reason to be scared. I hope that you get everything that you want and wish you lots of good health.
ReplyDeleteOf course you don't have that answer - those aren't easy questions to answer. But the fact that you are thinking about them is something in and of itself. It is certainly scary, but you have lots of support out here among your readers. I am so so so hoping that this works for you.
ReplyDelete