I admit it. I'm scared to do this IVF. I keep having this irrational urge to cancel the whole thing.
What if it works? Shit y'all, I'm nearly 39 years old. Will I be able handle such a major life change with my sanity intact? And what if it doesn't work? Will I be able to let that go? Will I feel compelled to accumulate more debt just to keep trying? Will I resent making that monthly payment on the debt we've already acquired to make this one shot possible?
And then there are the longer-term repercussions. My mother had estrogen sensitive breast cancer. I have been pumping my body full of excess estrogen for a couple of years now and IVF will raise that bar exponentially. Does that make me even more vulnerable to the same disease? My right boob was killing me the other night (it has stopped now), and all I could think was, "What if we go through all of this, and I end up with cancer like my Mom? Would it be better or worse to at least have a baby to show for it?"
I don't have an answer.