Tuesday, October 12, 2010

THIS Is the Thing That Breaks Me Down?

You've met BFF(H). There hasn't been a single moment of her recent pregnancy/delivery that bothered me. Not her pregnancy announcement, not the ultrasound pictures, not seeing her seven months pregnant belly or sleeping in the nursery when I went to visit her over the summer.

I was perfectly fine and happy when the baby was born and the photos of her and her husband with the baby started arriving in my inbox. So, when I saw that I had a new email with a new photo album from her, I was nothing but excited to see how the baby was changing.

Right up until the photo of her mother holding the baby. At which point I burst into tears. Not just a few tears trickling down the cheek, but full body gasping sobs. My damned eyes are filling up again just remembering. Somehow, I hadn't realized just how much it meant to me to have a chance to see my Mom holding my child. I don't understand why this should be so much harder than seeing BFF(H) or her husband holding their child?

Is it because this disappointment feels so fresh and new, whereas I have already had so many months to adjust to the disappointment of perhaps never seeing my husband holding our child? Is it because of the recent change of our diagnosis to "unexplained" and the appearance of IVF on our horizon (and thus my new-found fears for my egg quality)?

I'm serious... if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.


  1. I defintely think this is related to your recent diagnosis. I'm sure you're still processing it (it IS a lot to process) and no doubt, your frustrations and emotions must be growing. I also think you hit on a new aspect to this you hadn't thought about... giving a grandchild to your mom. You expected the pregnant belly, the pictures, the announcments, the nursery... but you didn't anticipate this particular detail so it would make sense that it hit you hard. It's totally understandable. Give yourself time to process it all and be good to yourself. *hugs*

  2. I think you nailed it... there are so many new ways to see the disappointment, and grieve this loss of our fertility. Isn't IF fun?! Keeps ya on your toes... *hugs*

  3. I didn't realize it, but I have a huge amount of guilt that I haven't been able to make my parents grandparents yet. I also think it's the element of surprise, you expect to see the photos of the mom and dad with the baby, but when the grandparent photo catches you off guard like that....it hits you extra hard.


  4. No ideas, just sympathy. Hugs to you. This hurts more than any of us can quite believe, I think.

  5. *hugs* I am sorry. I think there are a bunch of different things all in one that can lead you to be upset about the situation.