Monday, August 9, 2010

Chemistry Lesson (Learning Mine)

As I said to one of my tweeps after the first couple of injections were done, I'm feeling like the change of protocol has given me a renewed sense of energy and hope. 

I was feeling really worn down by the repetition of the same protocol. After month upon month of Crazy Pills and IUIs followed promptly (or rather, after every interminable 2WW) by BFNs, I had reached a point where I ceased to believe that what we were doing was ever going to work. Perhaps somewhat extreme and melodramatic, but I felt it in my soul. In spite of the dubious success of our first medicated cycle, and my RE's insistence that this would work for us again, I had no hope, even though the Professor and my RE did. Thus the "resting" cycle last month, and the consultation resulting in the change of protocol.

One of the few memories I have of my high school chemistry teacher (I wasn't the BEST science student) is of him explaining that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing, repeating the exact same procedure over and over again and yet expecting to get different results.

TMI alert:

The resting cycle was actually restful. Yes, I used an OPK and we did our best to follow up on the positive reading. Yes, I broke down and used the progesterone through my luteal phase, just in case. But I didn't believe it would work. And my poor Confuterus displayed some of the most bizarre behavior I've seen since stopping the birth control pills over a year and a half ago. For the first time in my life, I had ovulation spotting. Mildly alarming, but proclaimed to be "nothing to be concerned about" by the nurse when I called in about it. Then I started spotting again only 9dpo, and saw bright red blood at 10dpo. Assuming a resounding luteal phase failure, I called into the RE to report CD1 and scheduled my baseline. And immediately stopped bleeding. Too late to cancel the baseline, so I went in anyways. The ultrasound showed a still active corpus luteum* and bloodwork indicated declining progesterone. The nurse predicted my period would be only a few days out. Spotting resumed later that day and continued until 15dpo, which ended by becoming CD1. Repeat baseline on CD3 cleared us to start injections that very evening.

Chemistry lesson: my reproductive bits don't function properly without benefit of modern science.

Lesson learned.

The odd thing is, this undeniable feeling of hope doesn't seem to apply to this particular cycle. I've grown so accustomed to lack of results, that I don't feel like this is quite "my turn". It feels more like a practice run. So I'm just focusing on getting comfortable with the protocol, working up the nerve to do the injections myself and gathering information about how my body responds to these drugs. I'm just glad to feel like there are still options, and that eventually something WILL work.

*Side Note: As a result of our recent Potter-thon, I kept referring to it as "Corpius Luteum" like it was some kind of magical incantation to increase progesterone levels. Unfortunately, now I can't STOP calling it that!


  1. Something WILL definitely work and sooner than you think (I hope!). And as I said recently, you never know when it's finally your time.

  2. It took my hubby and I a little over 3yrs to conceive. I felt much the same as you, like it just wasn't gonna happen, there's nothing melodramatic about that. I blogged about the experience, the blog was called Wanted: A Baby. If you'd like to check it out feel free, it's on blogger. I found you on Twitter BTW.
    I read something once that said "If you want to be a parent, you will be. It may not be how you always that it would happen, but one way or another, biologically or through adoption, you will be a parent."
    We were just about to stop trying to get preggers and adopt; my husband was very close to the end of his endurance; and then it happened. I hope you don't feel alone, because you're not. I hope you have a great support group. And I'm really glad you're blogging about this. Too many people are ashamed of this; which I understand. But we gotta make peopel more aware. Anyway, I'll be sending you good thoughts and prayers.

  3. Interesting how your body goes haywire when there are no medical interventions...mine is totally the opposite! Every time I go through a cycle of clomid, body goes into "Total resfusal to co-operate mode". This cycle is a "rest cycle" as in no drugs, and I feel like things are going normally again. Good luck with the practice run anyway :)

  4. I totally know what you mean abt the first time feeling like a practice run. Thing is, the practice run WORKS for lots and lots of women. I'm hoping you're in that lucky group! xo

  5. It's amazing to me how much information all you monitored girls have about your bodies and your cycles. Mine's still a mystery to me--I know that my cycles go a little haywire sometimes and other times are perfectly fine, I know I ovulate, I know that drinking my tea spares me ovulation spotting. And that's it! I'm looking forward to getting the real info that you have soon.

  6. I know just how you feel. I approached this first IUI cycle as a test-run, too. And, it still is. The nice thing about this is that no matter how we feel - hopeful or not - it could still work. Hang in there! Ya never know. <3