Friday, January 21, 2011

Peace Be On This Place

50,000 internetz to the first reader to peg that reference...
(HINT: teen fiction)

I don't know how it happened, or why, or to be honest, even when. All I know is that I am suddenly so completely at peace with all of this IF business. I declared 2011 to be the Year of Letting Go. There was Runny Yolk's post that inspired me to confess my Secret Fears and all of your lovely responses to that confession. Thank you so much for those comments! Y'all make this road so much less lonely and you are the reason I keep coming here. Then Jess said this in a post on her blog:

... a child should be icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

What a fabulous reminder of the whole reason the Professor and I waited so long to toss the birth control in the first place. We've had a few really good, clear-the-air type talks lately and I've just been feeling so at peace. It's been coming on for a while now. I'm reaching a point where I'm getting a feeling of closure. Maybe it's that we've been ticking options off our treatment list so steadily. Maybe it's that I'm feeling my age. Maybe it's getting to know ourselves so very well through this process. I wish I could share a map to help anyone who needs to find this peaceful place, but I just sort of woke up here.

We've given this baby making thing our all, and we aren't finished yet. Yes, we still have one IUI left, and then a round of IVF (and depending on the results of that, any FETs we might be so lucky to squeeze out). Really, quite a long way to go yet! But I sense that the time is coming when I will be ready to call it quits. I won't be one of those women who appear to have bottomless reserves of both strength and funding to continue IVF time and again. We will only have the money to do one fresh cycle. IF we get anything to freeze (BIG IF), we might be able to scrape together enough for FET.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel hopeful, because what I really am is realistic. One of our last attempts might work. Or none of them might work. We will do everything we can, and that will have to be enough. And whatever the outcome of these next cycles, we will be OK.

I haven't lost hope. I've just let it go.

Please let this feeling stick around.


  1. I feel like this is how I'm approaching 2011. My "word" for 2011 is ONWARD. Like you say, we may (or may not) get back into treatments, but whether they work or not, we are committing ourselves to being realistic and not expecting the impossible and moving on as a "family" of two. It feels really good so far- hope I can keep it up!

  2. This is an incredible feeling to have. In a way, you are truly free. I believe that reaching this place in your journey will make you an infinitely better mother when the time comes and an infinitely better person even if it doesn't.

    I'm in a similar place of peace right now, but mostly just because I'm on a plateau. Once I reach another dip--IVF or the possibility of running out of time or money-- I know that peace will vanish. I hope that I'll be able to get it back, though.

  3. I think that's a wonderful attitude to have. You don't HAVE to keep going--it's okay to let go.

  4. I'm right there with you, surrendering up to this thing called IF. We don't have much control in all this. Accepting this is so important. So is taking action.

  5. I remember when peace started settling over me & it is a great feeling! I think you have a wonderful attitude. Just take it as it comes..& the quote from Jess, so very true!

  6. Wow, what a great post! I'm so happy that you've reached this feeling and I hope it sticks around!

  7. Dude, I just searched the whole internetz, and I cannot find that quote. Wherezit from?!

    I'm so proud of you babe, and it does sound like you're at peace in a way. Accepting the reality of this situation is such a challenge, and you're handling it beautifully. Be gentle with yourself, sometimes it might feel like that peace vanishes, but you'll get it back. I'm so hoping for you, still.

  8. Wow, what a great post, I wish I could have your same attitude and it has definitely given me some food for thought and made me realise I need to not be consumed by all this, easier said than done but I will give it a shot. I admire your honesty . . .