DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post awhile back before I managed to LET GO. We've all heard the saying, "It's always darkest before the dawn", and this was definitely written in a very dark place. A place I am so grateful to have escaped since. Perhaps I needed to go there before I could come to the place I am now. I debated over whether or not to hit publish, and have decided that as negative as it is, perhaps it will also help someone else to not feel so alone in the dark.
In alphabetical order:
I've read this same basic post on so many other blogs, and I never once thought that the writer was being bitchy or at all unreasonable. And yet. As I sit here letting my thoughts take form on the screen, I FEEL like a royal bitch of the worst persuasion. I feel any number of horrible character traits surfacing and crowding out the better aspects of my personality. And I feel awful about it. But I have to let the thoughts out, or I'm afraid they won't ever go away. And I guess I want other IFers in my same shoes to know they aren't the only ones who have these thoughts. God I hope I'm not the only one having these thoughts. Maybe I won't ever hit "Publish". We'll see.
I am in a rather bleak place at the moment. I'm trying to focus on hopeful thoughts, but I'm really struggling. I won't lie. Those ABCs up there are the main things I'm feeling right now. Not pretty is it?
I've recently stumbled on a whole raft of new blog and twitter friends. And each time, as my cursor hovered over the "Follow" button, I hesitated. They were, every single one of them, in or at the edge of a 2WW. And I actually had the thought, "If I follow them now and they get a BFP in the next week or so, how will I continue to watch? What kind of pregnant infertile will they be?" And I clicked "Follow" anyways, because I want to be bigger than that. I want to lend support where I can, even though I feel more like a weight belt than a life vest these days.
One by one, every single one of them got their BFP. It's like I'm some twisted kind of infertile good luck charm.
Waiting for your BFP? Step right up! Just raise your hand and I'll follow you online - your BFP is right around the corner! Guaranteed!
Yeah, I know. Not realistic. But you'll notice that Realistic isn't on that list up there. Stubborn is though. I'm not gonna let the bitch win. I'm not going to UN-follow. Not if I can help it. Every time in the past that I've stopped following someone, I've felt horrible about it. But sometimes, it hurts more to keep watching. And sooner or later, they stopped following me too. And I have to wonder if they had any idea at all why I stepped away and how hard it was to do it? I don't know.
I know this is kinda ugly, but there it is. I just ask that my internet friends please be understanding if sometimes I'm a little quiet or don't seem particularly enthusiastic. I'm focusing a lot of energy on keeping my head above water and keeping the Bitchy at bay. Sometimes, that's all the energy I have.