DISCLAIMER: I wrote this post awhile back before I managed to LET GO. We've all heard the saying, "It's always darkest before the dawn", and this was definitely written in a very dark place. A place I am so grateful to have escaped since. Perhaps I needed to go there before I could come to the place I am now. I debated over whether or not to hit publish, and have decided that as negative as it is, perhaps it will also help someone else to not feel so alone in the dark.
In alphabetical order:
Angry
Bitter
Callous
Fearful
Hurting
Mean-spirited
Petty
Selfish
Stubborn
Ungrateful
I've read this same basic post on so many other blogs, and I never once thought that the writer was being bitchy or at all unreasonable. And yet. As I sit here letting my thoughts take form on the screen, I FEEL like a royal bitch of the worst persuasion. I feel any number of horrible character traits surfacing and crowding out the better aspects of my personality. And I feel awful about it. But I have to let the thoughts out, or I'm afraid they won't ever go away. And I guess I want other IFers in my same shoes to know they aren't the only ones who have these thoughts. God I hope I'm not the only one having these thoughts. Maybe I won't ever hit "Publish". We'll see.
I am in a rather bleak place at the moment. I'm trying to focus on hopeful thoughts, but I'm really struggling. I won't lie. Those ABCs up there are the main things I'm feeling right now. Not pretty is it?
I've recently stumbled on a whole raft of new blog and twitter friends. And each time, as my cursor hovered over the "Follow" button, I hesitated. They were, every single one of them, in or at the edge of a 2WW. And I actually had the thought, "If I follow them now and they get a BFP in the next week or so, how will I continue to watch? What kind of pregnant infertile will they be?" And I clicked "Follow" anyways, because I want to be bigger than that. I want to lend support where I can, even though I feel more like a weight belt than a life vest these days.
One by one, every single one of them got their BFP. It's like I'm some twisted kind of infertile good luck charm.
Waiting for your BFP? Step right up! Just raise your hand and I'll follow you online - your BFP is right around the corner! Guaranteed!
Yeah, I know. Not realistic. But you'll notice that Realistic isn't on that list up there. Stubborn is though. I'm not gonna let the bitch win. I'm not going to UN-follow. Not if I can help it. Every time in the past that I've stopped following someone, I've felt horrible about it. But sometimes, it hurts more to keep watching. And sooner or later, they stopped following me too. And I have to wonder if they had any idea at all why I stepped away and how hard it was to do it? I don't know.
I know this is kinda ugly, but there it is. I just ask that my internet friends please be understanding if sometimes I'm a little quiet or don't seem particularly enthusiastic. I'm focusing a lot of energy on keeping my head above water and keeping the Bitchy at bay. Sometimes, that's all the energy I have.
OOooooo,please follow my blog so I can have my BFP!!! Please! Please! Please! Ha! If only it worked that way! (please know I'm joking)
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you are coming from. When the first IF blog with MFI that I ever visited got her miracle BFP and then a live baby I stopped following. No offense to her, but it broke my heart.
I've tried to hang on and even comment with others who have been successful, but it's hard. I only try if they are good commenters with me.
Bitchy? No. It's all about self-preservation.
Take good care of yourself.
Shit, do you follow me?? Please do!!
ReplyDeleteAnd you are not bitchy and there is nothing wrong with these feelings. We've all had them many, many times. You are NOT alone.
-Elphaba
I could have written this post. In fact, I did, back in August. I was more than angry, I was enraged following a wave of BFPs and I needed to get it out. And some people stopped following my after that and I felt pretty horrible, but a lot of people also told me they understood.
ReplyDeleteAnd I understand. And I'm glad you're at peace now, at least for the time being.
sometimes keeping the awful feelings at bay is all we can ask ourselves to do (Hug)
ReplyDeleteThe way you're feeling is exactly how I felt a little while back, too. I stopped following quite a few pregnant infertiles b/c so many acted as if they never had to go through IF--like it never happened--and talked incessantly about their pregnancies. I often wonder if they just completely forgot who was following their journey in the 1st place and how much their baby talk hurt some.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post. Brutally honest. And I loved it. Kudos.
You are not a bitch. Everything you are feeling I have felt before and it is normal. I have felt so many times that if people should follow me so that they can get their bfps. It will be your turn.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for hitting publish on this.
ReplyDeleteWe've all had these feelings. The fact that you can accept this side of yourself and publish at a time when you're in a better place, shows how incredibly strong you are. We need to be honest. That's what these blogs are all about. IF isn't pretty and pretending these moments don't exist isolates us even more.
I'm in the exact same place right now. It's so hard to watch people move on, even when you've cheered them on for months. And, it does come in waves. I hope that one day, we'll be in one of those waves, but until then, do what you need to do. I can't imagine feeling resentful of someone unfollowing me after I get my BFP someday. I know exactly how much that hurts. I feel very strongly that these blogs and twitters are here for us, and we need to and have the right to use them in the best way for us. There are no obligations here other than to help ourselves as we struggle through this process.
ReplyDeleteLately, I'm also frustrated with people who are pregnant giving me support. It makes me feel pathetic. I know you're hopeful for me, but that's because you know how your story ends. You have a big belly full of hope! Mine is only full of turkey chili and sadness.
I've been thinking of unfollowing some people, but haven't. I'm not sure why. Guilt, I guess. But, really, I miss a lot of them and I don't want to let them go completely. Some of these now-pregnant women were a huge part of my support network, but now they've moved on in most ways. They still leave comments for me, but I don't for them. I have nothing to say about their bump pictures and nursery planning. It breaks my heart, in a different way from the fertiles, but in a sadder way maybe. Or just a more scared way. I think we're all scared we'll be the last infertile standing.