Where Does the Time Go?

I had one of THOSE moments today at work. One of those "anniversary" moments.

Last year, the end of the two week wait in our first cycle with the RE fell just after Thanksgiving. By the end of the holiday weekend I was actually having some mild symptoms, super-sore boobs and sudden, random flashes of severe nausea. I also had some light spotting. The Tuesday after, I was working an annual special event our office puts on and I got my period. It was bad, the worst in my recent memory. As soon as the event got under way, I told my boss I needed to go home. I'm fairly certain now that I was actually having an early miscarriage. I can still remember those symptoms vividly, and while the next cycle brought us our first ever positive and more super-sore boobs, that particular variety of nausea has yet to reappear. Neither has a positive.

Today at work, I overheard a conference call regarding the initial planning for that same annual event. It was like someone drew the needle across a vinyl record (you know the noise they use in a sitcom when everything comes to a screeching halt). Heads up! Here comes an anniversary! When the annual event rolls around this year, we will have been working with our RE for one year and TTC for one month shy of two years.

Please God let me be knocked up by then...

For My Next Trick

I'm back! I had a great visit with my BFF, and I'm home. I REALLY don't want to go back to work.

*sigh*

Anyhow... we had our follow-up consult with the RE last week. We're changing things up! Once this "resting" cycle is over, we'll be starting injectibles.

Whoa. For realz y'all.

The RE was still confident that Clom.id would eventually do the trick, but also agreed that we would be smart to step up the game. So we're switching to Go.nal-F plus Ovid.rel. He mentioned the increased chances at pregnancy (10% increased to 20%) and the increased chances of multiples (again 10% increased to 20%). It also means a lot more monitoring, so more time out of the office.

And shots. I'm such a wuss. *shudder*

We sat with a nurse and got the run-down on the injections, plus a little practice kit so we could familiarize ourselves with the injector. We played around with the demo pen for while. Seems pretty simple. She also gave us samples of a new alcohol swab from Walgr.eens that has a mild anesthetic in it. Apparently, other patients have been reporting good things about these new swabs. I'm game!

The nurse will sort out the pre-authorizations and order the meds for me. I just have to call the pharmacy this week to arrange for the delivery (and find out how much it will cost).

Anyone else who has used this same protocol out there... what side effects (if any) did you notice?

Trying... Not Trying (My Wandering Mind)

I'm sure I won't be the first (or the last) to fail to truly rest during a TTC break. You're with me on this, right?

I told myself early in the last cycle that my heart and mind needed some time away from the hormonal roller coaster that Clomid brings with it. To say nothing of the concern that I've done five rounds of it now, and recently read that more than six is not recommended.*

I also had a fair bit of travel scheduled for this cycle and didn't want to be stressing about timing a trigger and IUI (and potentially being on the road at the critical moment, thus having to cancel), and then traveling with those lovely progesterone suppositories.

And then with the onset of CD1, everything fell into place such that the Professor and I would be in town together at just the right time. Of course, I still wanted a break from the prescriptions and certainly didn't want to travel with them. So it became an official break.

Except... I went out and restocked the OPKs because... oh, please. We ALL know why. And of course, I bought the combo pack that comes with a digital HPT. Because, OF COURSE!

Because I will be in town from CD8-CD14. And I always ovulate between CD9-CD14 and the Professor and I will be following our instincts as per usual. And we've all heard the stories of people who took a break and suddenly their bodies just did what they were supposed to, even without the prescriptions.

So here we are trying, when we aren't really trying. And my mind is all over the map, even without the fertility drugs. And as scattered as I feel, I also feel frighteningly blank. I've been reading my Twitter feed and keeping up with my blog reader, but most days I just can't think of a thing to say. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much on your posts. I have been riding the waves with you, I just haven't known what to say lately.

I feel like I'm not really here.

*Remind me to ask my RE about that. Did I mention that we have a consult scheduled with our RE on Monday?  I'm so worried that there is something more wrong with me that they missed because the luteal phase defect was so obvious. I don't even know what blood tests were done at the beginning. Maybe our one BFP was actually a total fluke? I'm hoping he brings his crystal ball to the appointment.

Mood Swings and Dreams

Since my most recent BFN, and the start of this resting cycle, I've been dealing with some pretty intense mood swings (for lack of a better term). Maybe priority shifts would be slightly more accurate... but they seem to be tightly tied to my moods.

I knew before I got the official results last week what the outcome would be, and I was back in the Pit of Despair with a bad case of the "Why ME's". By the time the nurse called with the beta results, I was fairly numb and just wondering idly what the hell to do next (but without any real drive to do anything at all). 24 hours later, I was so at peace with my lot in life, that I almost wanted to walk away from the whole process and focus the rest of my life on enjoying the Professor and myself. And then realizing that no, I can't just give up. But I do need to focus a little more on the Now and a little less on the What If. Keep striving for our goal, but stop living just for that moment. And if that moment never comes? Well... that will be a loss to be grieved, but it will not be the end of my world.

But when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting for sleep to steal in,  I replay all the little moments that have stuck in my head thus far and all the little moments that I would be missing if I stopped now. The first time we thought we'd actually gotten me pregnant... sitting at lunch with the Professor and pondering the reality and he actually teared up. The only tears I've seen him shed over this whole mess. The moment when we finally got that first positive, but were too shocked and scared to be really excited. And then there's the future moment when we finally get to tell our parents they will be grandparents, a thousand little moments watching my baby sleep in the dark, listening to a little voice chattering in the back seat of the car, little hands reaching out to grab stuff off the grocery store shelves as we roll by.

Tiny little dreams, mundane even. But they're my dreams.

So Happy It's Scaring Me (I May Need Help)

I am so lucky. I have so much more than so many other women. I have so much to be thankful for.

There are times when I am confronted with how easy my life is and how good I have it, and I can't help but feel utterly content with my life just as it is. And for some reason, these moments are inevitably followed by a flare of panic. My instinct is to be wary of feeling too happy because, suddenly, there is the certain knowledge that everything I have can be taken from me in the blink of an eye, and what devastation that would be.

Knowing how much I have means knowing how much I have to lose. I am genuinely afraid that if I let my guard down and revel in my contentment, then bad things will happen. There are days when it is all I can do to force myself to walk out the front door and get in the car because I am absolutely certain that if I do, I will never make it home again. There are days when I sit on the couch with ears straining and heart pounding, waiting to hear the Professor's step on the porch because I am so terrified that he might not come home. What the hell is wrong with my head?

This weekend I was sitting in a sandwich shop, eating dinner with the Professor and thinking about my friends inside the computer. Some of y'all are going through some truly horrific shit right now. I make no bones about it. Some of what you are dealing with in addition to your infertility and/or adoption struggles... I am time and again amazed that you just keep going. And that is what tells me that you will be a great parent when you do get your chance. You do what needs to be done, you find the strength, whatever comes your way. You keep pushing forward because stopping is not an option. You are awe inspiring. I would like to think that if I were faced with the same situations, I would weather them as well. But I honestly don't know. I do know that I need to stop my whining and be a little more mindful of what I have been given. I will try.

I have my own home, a nice car, a good job and (relatively) good health. I have enough income to pay my bills and I do not worry where my next meal will come from. I still have both of my parents. Most importantly in my mind, I have a husband who is my best friend in the whole world, who loves me to distraction whether or not I ever produce his child and without whom life would lose its sparkle.

Yes, I want a baby. No, I may not ever get one. But in this moment, I am focusing on what I do have, because I HAVE SO MUCH. And I want to enjoy it.

Gurlee Made Me Cry

So after being away from blogworld for a while when my Mom was in town, I opened my email to discover that Gurlee over at Infertility Musings had bestowed on me the Versatile Blogger Award. And I cried. Like most of you, I started this blog just to have somewhere to vent, to get everything out of my own head with a hope that someone out there would say, "Me too. Doesn't this shit just suck?" 

Thank you Gurlee *sniff*sniff*

So as I understand it, this is how the award works:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award. (Thx again Gurlee!)
2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 8 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.

So without further ado:

1. I have an English Garden and I hate gardening. I have to pay someone to come take care of the flower beds because otherwise things start dying and weeds take over and the next thing you know... there goes the neighborhood!

2. I was in the past (and will be in the future) an artist. I packed up my studio to take my first ever 9-5 job in order to do the baby-making thing with decent insurance and maternity pay. It's been two years and I'm only just now starting to miss it. I'll get back to it when I can have a home studio.

3. I actually like my job. I've only been there for 18 months, but I go home at the end of the day knowing that I contributed to making the world a better place.

4. Salsa is my number one comfort food. No joke. I was raised in Texas and good salsa is probably the thing I miss most.

5. I am a book addict. I collect first editions, particularly young readers and teen books. Yes I like Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and Twilight (all for different reasons). I also love Diana Wynne Jones (Chrestomanci) and Catherine Webb (Horatio Lyle).

6. I am allergic to cats. I have two.

7. I have a soft spot for aquariums (the kind you visit, not the kind you keep in the living room), but find zoos depressing. I am particularly fond of sea urchins. But not for dinner.

I would like to bestow the Versatile Blogger Award upon the following:

1. APlusB at a+b, waiting for c
2. Becca at Liberal Granola Girl's Blog
3. Hope Springs at Moving On to the Next Plan
4. Jay at The Two Week Wait

5. Jenny at Among the Blossoms
6. My So-Called (TTC) Life
7. Secret Sloper at Park Slope Purgatory 
8. This is More Personal

A Familiar Stretch of Road

So yeah.

At 14dpo I had no signs of an impending period, so I consulted the Oracle of the Almighty Stick, and the Stick said NO. At 15dpo with no change, I went in for my beta. An hour or so after the nurse called to confirm the negative, my period arrived full on. No spotting, just a little cramping and BAM!

Looks like the acupuncture got my cycle fixed up right.

When the Crazies hit me before this last IUI, I told myself that if it didn't take this time, I was giving my body a month off the meds and another month of acupuncture treatments to tweak my cycles and provide some stress relief. When the nurse called with the BFN, I told her this and let her know that I had some questions for the doctor. She suggested a follow-up consult with the RE in 2 weeks. So we're all set to get back to basics this cycle, and I hope to have a better idea of the Plan Going Forward after this next appointment.

It has indeed been a rough week. Big thanks to my tweeps and the folks who dropped by from LFCA to show their support. I encourage you all to drop by there and see who else needs a little love today.