Since my most recent BFN, and the start of this resting cycle, I've been dealing with some pretty intense mood swings (for lack of a better term). Maybe priority shifts would be slightly more accurate... but they seem to be tightly tied to my moods.
I knew before I got the official results last week what the outcome would be, and I was back in the Pit of Despair with a bad case of the "Why ME's". By the time the nurse called with the beta results, I was fairly numb and just wondering idly what the hell to do next (but without any real drive to do anything at all). 24 hours later, I was so at peace with my lot in life, that I almost wanted to walk away from the whole process and focus the rest of my life on enjoying the Professor and myself. And then realizing that no, I can't just give up. But I do need to focus a little more on the Now and a little less on the What If. Keep striving for our goal, but stop living just for that moment. And if that moment never comes? Well... that will be a loss to be grieved, but it will not be the end of my world.
But when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting for sleep to steal in, I replay all the little moments that have stuck in my head thus far and all the little moments that I would be missing if I stopped now. The first time we thought we'd actually gotten me pregnant... sitting at lunch with the Professor and pondering the reality and he actually teared up. The only tears I've seen him shed over this whole mess. The moment when we finally got that first positive, but were too shocked and scared to be really excited. And then there's the future moment when we finally get to tell our parents they will be grandparents, a thousand little moments watching my baby sleep in the dark, listening to a little voice chattering in the back seat of the car, little hands reaching out to grab stuff off the grocery store shelves as we roll by.
Tiny little dreams, mundane even. But they're my dreams.