I am so lucky. I have so much more than so many other women. I have so much to be thankful for.
There are times when I am confronted with how easy my life is and how good I have it, and I can't help but feel utterly content with my life just as it is. And for some reason, these moments are inevitably followed by a flare of panic. My instinct is to be wary of feeling too happy because, suddenly, there is the certain knowledge that everything I have can be taken from me in the blink of an eye, and what devastation that would be.
Knowing how much I have means knowing how much I have to lose. I am genuinely afraid that if I let my guard down and revel in my contentment, then bad things will happen. There are days when it is all I can do to force myself to walk out the front door and get in the car because I am absolutely certain that if I do, I will never make it home again. There are days when I sit on the couch with ears straining and heart pounding, waiting to hear the Professor's step on the porch because I am so terrified that he might not come home. What the hell is wrong with my head?
This weekend I was sitting in a sandwich shop, eating dinner with the Professor and thinking about my friends inside the computer. Some of y'all are going through some truly horrific shit right now. I make no bones about it. Some of what you are dealing with in addition to your infertility and/or adoption struggles... I am time and again amazed that you just keep going. And that is what tells me that you will be a great parent when you do get your chance. You do what needs to be done, you find the strength, whatever comes your way. You keep pushing forward because stopping is not an option. You are awe inspiring. I would like to think that if I were faced with the same situations, I would weather them as well. But I honestly don't know. I do know that I need to stop my whining and be a little more mindful of what I have been given. I will try.
I have my own home, a nice car, a good job and (relatively) good health. I have enough income to pay my bills and I do not worry where my next meal will come from. I still have both of my parents. Most importantly in my mind, I have a husband who is my best friend in the whole world, who loves me to distraction whether or not I ever produce his child and without whom life would lose its sparkle.
Yes, I want a baby. No, I may not ever get one. But in this moment, I am focusing on what I do have, because I HAVE SO MUCH. And I want to enjoy it.