Sunday, July 18, 2010

Trying... Not Trying (My Wandering Mind)

I'm sure I won't be the first (or the last) to fail to truly rest during a TTC break. You're with me on this, right?

I told myself early in the last cycle that my heart and mind needed some time away from the hormonal roller coaster that Clomid brings with it. To say nothing of the concern that I've done five rounds of it now, and recently read that more than six is not recommended.*

I also had a fair bit of travel scheduled for this cycle and didn't want to be stressing about timing a trigger and IUI (and potentially being on the road at the critical moment, thus having to cancel), and then traveling with those lovely progesterone suppositories.

And then with the onset of CD1, everything fell into place such that the Professor and I would be in town together at just the right time. Of course, I still wanted a break from the prescriptions and certainly didn't want to travel with them. So it became an official break.

Except... I went out and restocked the OPKs because... oh, please. We ALL know why. And of course, I bought the combo pack that comes with a digital HPT. Because, OF COURSE!

Because I will be in town from CD8-CD14. And I always ovulate between CD9-CD14 and the Professor and I will be following our instincts as per usual. And we've all heard the stories of people who took a break and suddenly their bodies just did what they were supposed to, even without the prescriptions.

So here we are trying, when we aren't really trying. And my mind is all over the map, even without the fertility drugs. And as scattered as I feel, I also feel frighteningly blank. I've been reading my Twitter feed and keeping up with my blog reader, but most days I just can't think of a thing to say. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much on your posts. I have been riding the waves with you, I just haven't known what to say lately.

I feel like I'm not really here.

*Remind me to ask my RE about that. Did I mention that we have a consult scheduled with our RE on Monday?  I'm so worried that there is something more wrong with me that they missed because the luteal phase defect was so obvious. I don't even know what blood tests were done at the beginning. Maybe our one BFP was actually a total fluke? I'm hoping he brings his crystal ball to the appointment.


  1. Hey there, Just found your your latest 6 or 7 posts, you are a great writer. I too struggle with infertility...infertility and a chromosomal abnormality...because, lazy ovaries and low sperm count wasn't enough! ;)

    Anyway...I will be following you...I am definately relating to a lot you are going through...with every blog I read I feel less and less alone in this! Hang in :)

  2. Ha ha, you are really bad at having a rest! All that thinking, and an appointment with RE too! Maybe you should count this as a less active cycle, rather than a rest...
    I suffer with the same fears, about what other bad news might I have in store. Try not to let it consume you. Remember clomid messes with your sanity. Chat with your RE about your fears, then trust that as much as possible has been done, and your present list of bad news is likely to be it.
    You will see that BFP again.

  3. Oh, yes. I know exactly what you mean. Every time I got benched for cysts and was "resting" I HAD to do something to feel like I wasn't just spinning my wheels. (I don't ovulate on my own or else I would've been right there with you with the OPKs!) RE consults are a great way to pass the time! And of course you're still in it for this month, stranger things have happened in blog-land than a BFP without an Rx. Here's hoping you can add one of those stories to the gives-hope archives! xo

  4. I'm also on a break and have done little of what could be classified as resting. Though I did keep myself from buying more OPKs. I actually went on a hunt for them in my house about two weeks ago b/c I swore I was ovulating. Luckily, they'd all been used. Of course, I can't exactly say the same for the HPT, but whatever.

    Hope you have a good consult! And my fingers are crossed for the trying/not trying this month.

  5. I have so been there! I can honestly say that in the past 3 years, only since April have we taken a complete TTC break-no OPKs, temping, nothing but sex!

  6. Man, I wonder all the time if I could REALLY sit out a cycle. I want to lay off the drugs one of these months to give my body (and mind) a break, but I know I'd be doing the same thing as you...buying the OPK's, reading the signs, trying without trying. It's just inevitable.

  7. It's hard to take a true break when you want something so badly.