Saturday, March 3, 2012

In Which I Apologize

For not posting more often and in greater detail about the mental contortions I am going through in the process of considering donor egg IVF versus choosing a childfree future. I feel like there are so few of us in this community who reach this branch in the road, that I ought to do a better job of representing the experience. Suffice it to say that things are difficult to articulate. And all very repetitive at any rate.


My BFF came for a visit at the end of February. We hadn't seen each other in over a year and it was wonderful. I had been a little nervous because she told me last Fall that she and her husband were going to start TTC#2 in December and I was dreading a surprise announcement. To be honest, I wonder if they are trying again so soon after their first because of what she's seen me go through. She is only a couple of years younger than I am and she's no dummy. I was worrying needlessly.

We went to breakfast her first morning here and had long heart to heart about where we are/aren't with treatments and I gave her a quick rundown of the realities of donor egg IVF and some background on our consideration of a childfree future. As always she was interested, respectful and supportive. We also talked a lot about her experiences as a first time mother, all cards on the table. She didn't have it easy and unfortunately, she didn't have anyone nearby to provide a reality check, so it was probably harder on her than it needed to be. I feel sad about that... only that I couldn't be that supportive outside observer because I wasn't there day-to-day.

Her second morning here, we were sitting at the dining room table with our morning coffee and chatting. She took a deep breath and told me she'd been laying in bed thinking while she waited for me to wake up. She had decided that she wanted to talk to her husband about donating her eggs to us after she was done with Baby #2... if we would want them.

I almost fell off my chair.

I suspect my immediate response was a little lackluster, if only due to the shock. How fucking cool is THAT?! Realistically, it will probably not be feasible. But damn, she's awesome. I've talked to Prof about it and he is open to the idea, so why not feasible? Well, she is already 37 and she still wants to get Baby #2 first. That could put her at my current age before she's ready to start. Her husband may not be OK with it and that's totally his prerogative. Since we aren't blood relatives, there might be actual medical/biological impediments - I have no idea. My clinic might not go for it for any number of reasons.

But she had the idea. All on her own. She was already like the sister I never had. If I got pregnant using her eggs, we would be even more like family than we already are. It would amazing.

You know what? Even if I don't get pregnant using her eggs... it's still amazing.


  1. It's an amazing act of generosity when someone offers such a gift. She must be an amazing friend. I would be fascinated to hear more about the donor eggs process. We are considering it too, if IVF #2 is a bust.

  2. I love this. What an incredible friend, you lucky girl.

  3. WOW! What a friend!I am glad you have such a good frind in your life.

  4. That is amazing! Girlfriends are a wonderful thing!

  5. Wow, what a friend. Going through this makes you really sympathetic and you wish you could do something to help those suffering the same thing. But to be an onlooker and grasp the pain and how you could possibly help... amazing.

  6. Our community really does need to hear more about this. I have often thought to myself if treatments don't work what then? I've thought of the possibility of being childfree,adoption is financially not an option though we would if we could wether we had a biological child or not. I admire your courage and I thank you for sharing your experience with us.

  7. Wow, that is amazing. Your friend is incredibly thoughtful. You are so lucky to have someone like that in your life!

  8. Oh wow how cool is that! Your friend is so wonderful to offer to do this for you.

  9. This is the comment in which I apologize. I've been meaning to click over and comment for a week now but I couldn't get the right words together. Your friend is incredible and you are so right. Even if you never again broach the subject, the gift has been given.

    Oh, and please consider dropping the word verification. It’s so hard to comment!