Wednesday, January 16, 2013

First Trimester Down

THAT's hard to believe... We had our scan last week followed by some blood work. I've waited to post since we didn't get our actual results till the blood work came back. All appears to be well! Our risk for Down's and Trisomy18 is low and my midwife was very pleased.

The scan took about thirty minutes and involved lots of different views of the inhabitant from different angles. We saw two arms, two legs, a little facial profile, a little brain and even some fingers. There was a lot of jumping around going on as well, which made me wonder how I could possibly NOT be feeling it. But I'm not. The tech took all the necessary measurements and gave us a couple of pictures to take home.

The big topic of debate around here now is... when do we go public? The parents are bugging us weekly about when they can start telling people. Statistically, at this point things are probably going to be just fine. Being part of this community has given us far too many glimpses of ways that this COULD go wrong even now, and it's hard to trust the statistics after all we have gone through. On the other hand, this will be our only pregnancy and it would be nice to enjoy it. It would be nice to let our parents enjoy it.

Further to that debate, is the question of how much to share when we do go public. I feel pretty strongly that NOT sharing the fact that we used donor eggs would be doing a disservice to other infertile couples. I wouldn't want to distress any infertile friends with our announcement. I also don't want to perpetuate the myth that women can just up and get pregnant at my age when most can't. We agreed before we stepped onto this path that we didn't ever want our use of donor eggs to be perceived as secret or shameful, because we don't want the child to feel ashamed. The tricky bit is that once that information is out there, we can't get it back.

So yeah... debate ongoing.


  1. Im so happy you have finally reached this stage and everything is looking so positive. It must be a huge relief although I imagine you must still be feeling a little worrisome given the journey its taken to get to this point.

    Its a massive decision on how much to reveal about how you got to where you are today and I admire and respect you for wanting to be honest about your journey and educating people that its not always easy to have a baby. I also completely agree with the concern that once its told it cant be taken back. Its a tricky decision and one I think all people who have gone down the DEIVF path consider.

    I wish you luck on making the decision that best suits you and I look forward to hearing when you have let the cat out of the bag.

    Love LilyTaj. xx

  2. This is amazing! Yay!

    Personally, I think you should share. You deserve to enjoy this and you can't control what's going to happen. For me, from this point on, the pain would've been the same if I shared or didn't.

    For what you say, my situation was different, but we didn't shout what we went through from the rooftops but we didn't hide it either. If someone asked questions or we had a lengthy conversation, I'd be honest about what we went through, providing details based on the person's comfort level and amount of questions they asked. This system worked well for me because it kept it light and airy with the people just casually interested in our pregnancy but helped spread some awareness and educate the people closer to us. Nobody got too nosy or critical.

    Enough with my two cents. This is so wonderful!

  3. I am so excited for you that you have reached this milestone! I hope you feel relieved and excited!

    I have struggled with this as well. On the one hand I am not ashamed of using DE and would like to help destigmatize it. On the the other hand, I think it is super private and would like my kids to be among the first, not the last, to know their DE origins. My current plan is to let me children disclose this information to anyone they want. I plan to keep it in my 'inner circle' or 20 friends/family till then. I also have the luxury of being 26, so no one will assume/ask if we needed a donor (unless my kiddos look nothing like me I suppose!)

    You should make the decision that is most comfortable for you and your partner. I hope you dont feel like you have to disclose because of your age or because you think it is a diservice to others. Only you know what is right for you! If you decide not to disclose, let us know how you plan to respond to inquiring (rude) people who ask how you got pregnant at your age.

    Thanks again for sharing!

  4. Yay for the second tri! I'm so glad that everything is going well. As for sharing, I can't offer any advice except to do what's best for you and your family. It should be your decision based on what you feel most comfortable with. Good luck! :)

  5. As for when to tell, I suppose that as soon as you feel comfortable sharing updates about your pregnancy is fine. I was wayyyy to freaked out after my vanishing twin, so as long as I thought I would answer the 'how is it going' with a 'well, this baby could be dead for all I know and my next scan is only in x days' I better keep my mouth shut.
    Especially at work.

    As for how much to tell, I agree with nogoodeggs, I want my kid to make that decision. Our parents and brothers know, and some very close friends, and we have explained that we want it to be our kids story to share.
    For outsiders who ask I answer first with 'this is a very high tech baby'
    for further questions I usually say things like it took a long time, much sadness and difficult decisions were involved. Even further questions (that hardly ever follow) I explain a bit about the loss involved: the loss of everything and anything natural, and most people understand by then it is a very private subject.
    So yes, I try to advocate about infertility, while at the same time trying to protect our family's privacy.

    Start small and see how you feel.... babysteps!

  6. Congrats on making it to 2T!!!! The nicest trimester of them all (energy wise). So up to you and the Prof as to what you share and when. You'll figure out what's right for you. Enjoy.

  7. Enjoy it! And share! I've found that I feel better when I share.