Seeing Red

At last! I finished my course of Prov.era last Wednesday and finally got my bleed this Wednesday. When I called the clinic to report in, they told me they had a call out to the donor they chose for us and were waiting to hear back from her.

I start back on the BCP tomorrow and wait for the clinic to call me with a donor profile. If their first choice says yes, it could be days. If she declines, who knows. Hurry up and wait!

And Now, For Something Completely Different

For my next trick ladies and gentlemen, I will fail - completely and utterly - to bleed. Or I should say rather, I HAVE failed. For the first time ever (excepting the nine weeks I spent harboring the blighted ovum). When the lovely nurse declared my mock cycle a triple-striped success and gave me the go-ahead to peel off the patches and stop with the shots, she told me I should expect to bleed within a week, two at most, and if I didn't bleed after two weeks to call in for further instruction.

Instruction, in this case, meant "Go to the lab and get lots of blood drawn. Immediately." Two hours later, I had my blood drawn while fully hydrated for the first time in my memory (read: after 8:00 am). Turns out that was a mistake, and my choice of a black sweater that morning was not. Yes, I had been hoping for a bleed. But not from a vein.

Another two hours (HOW did they get those results so fast, I ask you?!) and the nurse called to tell me that I am not pregnant and will not be bleeding without further assistance. Here's hoping seven days of Prov.era will get things going.

This is uncharted territory for me. Somehow, I feel more helpless now than I remember feeling in the whole of the last three and a half years. I can't even bleed right anymore. I can't feel like this is a good sign.

Blast From the Past

And not in a good way. Y'all remember Dr. Hate? The RE who schooled me for being distressed because I only had one follicle and wonky E2 levels on my last official IUI before getting pointed to IVF... and then dismissed my concerns with "It only takes one."

I saw her today while I was out picking up lunch. GUT PUNCH. She landed a big fancy new job and her office is very near mine.

It took every ounce of restraint I possess not to slap her right there at the cash register. I'm sure she didn't even recognize me, but just seeing her made me go all hot and ugly words started bubbling up in my throat. It made me wonder if she has any idea how much loathing there is for her in the world (because I know for a fact that I'm not the only patient she talked to like that).

Yeah, I know... holding onto that anger is not healthy and I really need to let it go, but DAMN.