Hi-ho, Hi-ho... Ho-hum

Sorry to drop off the face of the internetz there. I feel like I owe y'all a post, but I still don't have anything to report. No news, no progress, no travel or interesting IRL adventures. I've just been slogging through my Monday-Friday and zoning out on the weekends. Work has continued to be unusually busy. Summer is normally our major down-time, and a to be honest, a little boring. Not so this year. We are still going flat out, but unfortunately, have all of our less critical, large projects that we put off till summer when we expected to have more time to work on them. Ugh.

We had intended to be traveling for a wedding out of country this weekend, but IVF and its cancellation have kinda bitched our finances. For those of you who don't have to deal with the All-American ordeal that is health insurance: We had to pay the clinic cash up front because IVF isn't covered by our insurance. I contribute pre-tax money from my paycheck to a savings account (FSA) at my insurance company that will then reimburse me for expenses that the insurance doesn't cover (up to the total amount that I contribute). The benefit is that the government can't tax me on that income. Since we got cancelled, the claim hasn't been submitted to insurance to be denied, so the FSA hasn't paid out a reimbursement. We could have had a refund, but it seemed more prudent to leave the payment as credit with the clinic so we wouldn't be tempted to frivol the cash away in our sorrow. Sometimes being responsible sucks.

I'm still mulling over my career as well. Or perhaps I should say "a career" because I don't feel like I have one right now. I really need to earn more money. Which is how I got where I am. Being an artist is the thing I'm best at, the only thing I'm actually educated for. But I wasn't making a living at it, I was just keeping afloat. I wanted to make more money, so I shifted my focus to my current field and got an entry level job making more than I had been. I expected to see at least some advancement after a couple of years, but am realizing now that isn't likely. All I can see are the negative aspects of the next level positions, the many ways a promotion would add stress and impinge on my home life. So I've been contemplating my strengths and skills and trying to imagine what other field I could explore that would give me another salary boost without dramatically increasing my stress levels. The problem is finding something I'm good at and mentally suited for that actually pays but doesn't put me to sleep.

First world problems.

We did see HP7TheEnd last night. It was pretty good, but I never felt the urge to cry that so many others have mentioned. Perhaps because I know the books so well and did my crying over them (and did I ever). Perhaps because it's hard for me to get past the inconsistencies and discrepancies in the storytelling. I spent too much time in the movie thinking, "But... that never happened!" I don't know, but I can say without a doubt that Alan Rickman once again acted circles around everyone else in the movie. Gary Oldman didn't have enough screen time to give him any competition in this one. Seriously love those two. And Helena Bonham-Carter does a great Hermione-pretending-to-be-Bellatrix - you can really believe it's Emma Watson in a Bellatrix suit. Hilarious moment!

Now I need to go figure out something creative to do with last night's leftover stir fry chicken and veg. I think I'll do a faux-pho... (heehee. I kill me)

Middle of the Road

That's where I am.

Tomorrow is my post-operative check with the RE. No idea what that will involve.

It will be CD11 and I should be ovulating soon but I won't be bothering with OPKs. While I am hoping to be given the all clear to resume relations with the Professor, I'm not really even thinking about conception. I just miss the grooving!

I figure we'll be doing another stimulated IUI with my next CD1, when it comes. Should put me firmly in a 2WW for our Florida vacation in February. Based on our previous history with this protocol, I don't really expect much.

After that, IVF.

In the meantime, I'm standing here in the middle of my road. I have a route planned, but I'm not rolling just yet. And I'm OK with that. Who would have thought?

Loss for Words

I don't know what to say.

I'm benched, so no cycle news to obsess over or report. I'll probably start the OPKs this weekend, since I've already got a box of them. Why not...

I'm caught up on all of your blogs. I'm celebrating with you, crying with you, infuriated on your behalf and waiting right along with you. But I seem to have no words.

So I will leave you with the minor details that are pinging around in my skull for the moment:

Work is getting busier. Today was the first day in weeks that it took me until the very end of the day to get through my inbox. No time for wool gathering. This is a relief, as I have really been starting to worry that I'm missing/forgetting some big chunks of my job. I shouldn't be as caught up as I am. Not at this time of year. With our big board meeting coming up, this makes me VERY nervous.

The house plant is not doing well. I bought it some organic plant food, and have been feeding it and watering it (but not too much/often) and keeping it in the sunshine. And now it has only two leaves, one of which is dying. Oh, and the organic food seems to have given it flies. *sigh*

Last night after work, I went to a yoga class for the first time in more than ten years. It was not easy, but it felt incredible after the fact and I'm only a little sore today. My darling Professor even bought me some new yoga gear as an add-on birthday gift! I'm determined to ditch those 18 pounds that have hitched on since we pulled the goalie and I'm worried about my future health. My BMI is solidly in the "overweight" category and both of my parents have been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes after lifelong overindulgence and insufficient exercise. I DO NOT want to go there.

We made our last car payment this week. It feels awesome! We're going to redirect that payment to my student loans next and might get them paid off by the end of the year. That will also be awesome!

Happy Thoughts:

I got a pretty new necklace in the mail today.
My boss gave me a nice fat S*bux card for my B-day.
Professor has no immediate plans for travel.

Trying... Not Trying (My Wandering Mind)

I'm sure I won't be the first (or the last) to fail to truly rest during a TTC break. You're with me on this, right?

I told myself early in the last cycle that my heart and mind needed some time away from the hormonal roller coaster that Clomid brings with it. To say nothing of the concern that I've done five rounds of it now, and recently read that more than six is not recommended.*

I also had a fair bit of travel scheduled for this cycle and didn't want to be stressing about timing a trigger and IUI (and potentially being on the road at the critical moment, thus having to cancel), and then traveling with those lovely progesterone suppositories.

And then with the onset of CD1, everything fell into place such that the Professor and I would be in town together at just the right time. Of course, I still wanted a break from the prescriptions and certainly didn't want to travel with them. So it became an official break.

Except... I went out and restocked the OPKs because... oh, please. We ALL know why. And of course, I bought the combo pack that comes with a digital HPT. Because, OF COURSE!

Because I will be in town from CD8-CD14. And I always ovulate between CD9-CD14 and the Professor and I will be following our instincts as per usual. And we've all heard the stories of people who took a break and suddenly their bodies just did what they were supposed to, even without the prescriptions.

So here we are trying, when we aren't really trying. And my mind is all over the map, even without the fertility drugs. And as scattered as I feel, I also feel frighteningly blank. I've been reading my Twitter feed and keeping up with my blog reader, but most days I just can't think of a thing to say. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much on your posts. I have been riding the waves with you, I just haven't known what to say lately.

I feel like I'm not really here.

*Remind me to ask my RE about that. Did I mention that we have a consult scheduled with our RE on Monday?  I'm so worried that there is something more wrong with me that they missed because the luteal phase defect was so obvious. I don't even know what blood tests were done at the beginning. Maybe our one BFP was actually a total fluke? I'm hoping he brings his crystal ball to the appointment.

Mood Swings and Dreams

Since my most recent BFN, and the start of this resting cycle, I've been dealing with some pretty intense mood swings (for lack of a better term). Maybe priority shifts would be slightly more accurate... but they seem to be tightly tied to my moods.

I knew before I got the official results last week what the outcome would be, and I was back in the Pit of Despair with a bad case of the "Why ME's". By the time the nurse called with the beta results, I was fairly numb and just wondering idly what the hell to do next (but without any real drive to do anything at all). 24 hours later, I was so at peace with my lot in life, that I almost wanted to walk away from the whole process and focus the rest of my life on enjoying the Professor and myself. And then realizing that no, I can't just give up. But I do need to focus a little more on the Now and a little less on the What If. Keep striving for our goal, but stop living just for that moment. And if that moment never comes? Well... that will be a loss to be grieved, but it will not be the end of my world.

But when I'm lying in bed at night, waiting for sleep to steal in,  I replay all the little moments that have stuck in my head thus far and all the little moments that I would be missing if I stopped now. The first time we thought we'd actually gotten me pregnant... sitting at lunch with the Professor and pondering the reality and he actually teared up. The only tears I've seen him shed over this whole mess. The moment when we finally got that first positive, but were too shocked and scared to be really excited. And then there's the future moment when we finally get to tell our parents they will be grandparents, a thousand little moments watching my baby sleep in the dark, listening to a little voice chattering in the back seat of the car, little hands reaching out to grab stuff off the grocery store shelves as we roll by.

Tiny little dreams, mundane even. But they're my dreams.

A Familiar Stretch of Road

So yeah.

At 14dpo I had no signs of an impending period, so I consulted the Oracle of the Almighty Stick, and the Stick said NO. At 15dpo with no change, I went in for my beta. An hour or so after the nurse called to confirm the negative, my period arrived full on. No spotting, just a little cramping and BAM!

Looks like the acupuncture got my cycle fixed up right.

When the Crazies hit me before this last IUI, I told myself that if it didn't take this time, I was giving my body a month off the meds and another month of acupuncture treatments to tweak my cycles and provide some stress relief. When the nurse called with the BFN, I told her this and let her know that I had some questions for the doctor. She suggested a follow-up consult with the RE in 2 weeks. So we're all set to get back to basics this cycle, and I hope to have a better idea of the Plan Going Forward after this next appointment.

It has indeed been a rough week. Big thanks to my tweeps and the folks who dropped by from LFCA to show their support. I encourage you all to drop by there and see who else needs a little love today.