It Doesn't Go Away

As phenomenal as it is to have this beautiful baby in my arms at last, he has not been a cure for the emotional wounds of the last four years. I never expected him to be, but the last few days have taken me by surprise with just how intense and sharp and close to the surface that grief still remains. I knew it wouldn't really go away, but I thought it would dull around the edges. It doesn't. It is part of me and I'm not even sure I would want it to go away at this point.

Last week, I was staggered watching a Twitter friend receive news that her long-awaited pregnancy was over... and remembering the days and weeks spent processing the loss of my own first pregnancy in vivid and excruciating detail.

Then, I finally went to the grocery store for the first time since before I was pulled from work and put on bedrest... bad idea to leave Thumper at home with Daddy and go all alone. I found myself drifting up and down the aisles with tears dripping down my face, thinking how the last time I was at the grocery store (in June!) I was still pregnant. And staring down the knowledge that I will never be pregnant again and admitting that despite all the complications, I DO WANT to be pregnant again. I always knew I wanted two children. I knew when we had our first sight of Thumper on ultrasound that I still wanted him to have a sibling and I was heartbroken that he would be an only child. All of that grief came flooding back along with memories of years of pre-pregnancy grocery trips spent fighting tears over other women's pregnant bellies in the aisles. For some reason the produce section was always the worst...

All this also dregs up the memory of the phone call from the embryologist after our donor egg cycle, telling me that all of our remaining embryos had stopped growing and we had none to freeze. I closed my office door and sobbed for hours over those little lost lives, even knowing that they were only ever "potential". The power of that sorrow shocked me then and it still does. I never expected to be so attached to a handful of cells that weren't certain to be anything ever. For a few days, they were mine and then they were gone.

It never goes away.

He's Here (or An Eventful Two Months)

And nearly one month old... to recap and catch you all up:

34 weeks: NST after a day of no fetal movements. All fine. Two days later, we had to put one of our cats to sleep - definitely one of the most horrible moments in my life. He was my first ever furbaby and had been with us for 12 years.

36 week appointment: BP 170/110 with protein in urine. Midwife pulls me out of work and puts me on bedrest. NST shows baby is fine but I'm not great, so admitted to hospital with possible pre-eclampsia. Ultrasound shows baby is still breech and estimates weight at 8.5 pounds already. Three days in hospital to monitor, medicate and get BP under control. Last ditch ECV to turn baby not successful. C-section scheduled for 39 weeks, bedrest continues.

38 week appointment: BP still elevated, increased protein in urine. Officially diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and called in to hospital for c-section with only four hours notice. Thumper delivered healthy and perfect in every way (and at only 7.5 pounds).

Now we are four weeks out and he is hitting milestones left and right. As of today, he can hold his head up by himself for about 30 seconds at a time and is starting to make social sounds instead of just crying. Prof has taken to fatherhood like a fish to water - he was absolutely made for this and I am loving watching him don this new mantle.

I am hitting MY milestones a little more slowly... but then, a 40 year old body doesn't heal as quickly as a younger one might. My pain levels are lingering a little higher than normal. I am also struggling a bit with the baby blues, combined with emotional side effects from the blood pressure meds and the inevitable baggage of infertility trauma. As I said on Twitter,

I live in fear that the Universe is going to snatch my beautiful boy away from me, that he's too perfect for me somehow. Then I wonder if losing Cat Two was the Universe taking a "sacrifice" so I can keep my baby & if the Universe will honor that substitute.

I still have eight weeks before I go back to work, and I'm already dreading it.

32 Weeks and All's Well

For anyone who is still checking in... that about says it all. Things seem to be going quite well. Most of the weirder symptoms/problems have tapered off. We had a baby shower, started childbirth classes and the nursery is mostly complete. I'm trying to savor the whole experience, knowing I will never get to do this again.

I never wanted this to be a pregnancy/parenting blog, so there will not likely be frequent posts though I will let you know how this all plays out. I don't plan to disappear entirely, but neither do I plan to transition this space into anything other than what it already is. I will leave it "as is" for others to find in hopes that it can provide some comfort or reassurance that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

March/April Shout-Out

I don't really know what to say right now...

We are all still here, Inhabitant is still kicking away in the inside to my eternal relief. March basically sucked as usual (with occasional rays of sunshine). April is sucking much less, but has not exactly been blissful either. I'm back on pelvic rest due to random episodes of unexplained spotting and mild contractions. Work is completely insane and I'm exhausted.

This week was NIAW and I couldn't even tune in. I spent the week owning that fact that I'm still carrying a lot of sadness, resentment and jealousy and that is not likely to change any time soon. So I have the happy thoughts of Inhabitant and the accompanying fears on his behalf, plus the grief for years wasted and embryos that didn't make it and siblings that will never be... and I am not feeling eloquent or even articulate, much less able to rally to any battle cry for awareness. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time and that is going to have to be enough for now.

Brought to You By the Letter B

Bullets:

• BOY - Inhabitant is Team Blue! We had our follow up scan to get the rest of the measurements (all good, kiddo measuring slightly ahead as usual), cervix and placenta doing just fine and we have an official sex ID. We can now refer to the offspring as "He". And He is very active. He also feels very strongly about mealtimes. I get a flurry of kicks and punches every time I eat. This is immensely reassuring.
• Boobs - Had a bit of a scare here this week. I have developed what *may* be mastitis, but no one can confirm this. It doesn't hurt or itch, but things are pink and warm and inflamed. Midwife gave me antibiotics which made no difference, so I got an urgent appointment for a breast ultrasound. While this failed to yield a diagnosis, it did uncover two small masses in one breast, one of which needed a biopsy. It turned out to be cyst, so a HUGE relief. I am now off to a dermatologist to try again for a diagnosis as I am unwilling to just keep trying different antibiotics in the hope that one will do the trick. Sigh.
• Belly - Totally eclipsed by the boobs (in size). At my almost-20 week weigh in, I was up a total of six pounds from my pre-BFP weight. My mom gained twelve total with me, so six seems OK for the halfway point. I'm pretty sure five of those pounds are in my bra. My belly still looks more bloated than anything. I was a little concerned about this, but the scan shows the Inhabitant is growing just fine, even slightly ahead of schedule. Must just be how I'm built. I admit, I feel like it would be nice to actually look pregnant. Only one person has guessed at work so far. They asked my boss (but not me?), and haven't said anything aside from that.
• Basketcase - I finally broke down and bought the Baby Bargains book in an effort to prepare myself for the onslaught of stuff that will need to be acquired in order to support the Inhabitant once he makes it to the outside. I made it about half way through the first section (discussion of nursery furniture, specifically cribs) and freaked right the fuck out. Ended up hiding under the duvet in tears. One week later and I'm not exactly certain why I freaked out, but I just couldn't deal. I asked Twitter for some advice and after a brief chat with Prof, we decided just to check at the Ikea near his Mom's house later. Neither of us is up to thinking that far ahead just yet. Ostrichville, I tell you.

19 Weeks (and All's Well...)

Sorry for the delay in posting, but we took a short trip out of town for a family reunion and then I had a crazy week at work. Thanks so much for all of the lovely comments and support in recent weeks (months). For now, I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty calm.

We had our scan last week two weeks ago and everything looks good so far. The Inhabitant was laying in a somewhat stubborn position, so the tech couldn't get all the measurements she wanted. We just have to go back for another pass. Oh darn. I did at least get confirmation that my placenta is in a good place and my cervix is long and closed, so those worries are put to rest for the time being.

People are starting to ask questions about our plans for various bits and pieces of the pregnancy, birth and homecoming. They always take me by surprise... and "OH RIGHT! This might just end with us bringing home an infant! OMG I can't think about that right now." So yeah. That's where I'm at. Ostrichville. I'm making any and all commitments only when absolutely necessary.

Along those lines, we received our first baby gift last week. It was very sweet, but I would have preferred for that milestone to come a little later. Oddly enough, nobody asked me my opinion. After we opened the gift, I wrapped it back up and tucked it aside. Not like there is ANYWHERE in this house for us to store baby stuff yet. My due date is late July so Prof and I have agreed to think about the nursery in May.

Ostrichville, population 2 (or three if we count the Inhabitant).

Limbo

It's where we're at...

It's been five weeks since our last scan, nearly two weeks since we last heard the heart beat. One more week to the next scan. I may or may not have felt movement once or twice. Can't be sure. I've been afraid to invest in a doppler, since I know I would freak the fuck out if I couldn't find the heart beat. Too much room for user error in the hands of... well, me. I haven't exactly been feeling fabulous, but there's nothing unusual going on. I've outgrown all my bras, pants and skirts, but I still don't look like I'm actually pregnant. More like I've been hitting the cookie jar too hard, or the cheese plates. So, Limbo.

PVCs: Ongoing, but the cardiologist is now confident that there is nothing to be worried about. All tests came back clean and it looks like these are just more of my usual PVCs, triggered by the pregnancy hormones. The doctor won't intervene unless things get much worse. I did get cleared for light cardio, so I'm back on my elliptical and using my hand weights in an effort to keep strong.
Constipation: Sorted via prune juice, copious Mexican food and Activia. Thank you to the twitters for all the recommendations!
Congestion/Headaches/Nausea: All normal second trimester stuff, so says the midwife. Nausea likely due to combination of postnasal drip and headaches. Sudafed and Tylenol approved and helping.
Boobs: Off the hook.
Belly: Expanding. Solidly into maternity pants/jeans, but still able to dress discreetly so that no one would notice any change. Wondering how long till the first coworker twigs to the situation. Not going to announce at work, so it is my own little game to see how long it takes for people to pick up on it.
Telling: We sent an email to friends and family and gave the parents permission to start talking about the pregnancy. The message was brief and to the point, including a reference to our egg donor but giving no details. I am surprised and relieved that not one person has asked a single question about the egg donor (particularly certain family members), but everyone has been unanimously thrilled for us. I also told my boss, purely for practical reasons. She will want to hire a temp to cover for me, and she will also be a big help navigating the institutional maternity leave process since she's done it twice now. This also gets me out of any work travel responsibilities (not strictly necessary, but I'm not complaining).
Anxiety: Through the roof. I have reached the point where I'm less worried about there being something wrong with the Inhabitant and much, much, more worried about my body simply failing at pregnancy. I have no evidence to prompt this concern, but since when do we need evidence to worry about something?

Cardio (and I don't mean exercise)

So that was fun. NOT.

I've noticed over the last couple of weeks that my Bigeminy PVCs have been happening more frequently and my resting heart rate is about 20 bpm higher than normal. I've also been getting really out of breath when going up the stairs at home. Coupled with my slightly elevated blood pressure, the midwife and I decided it would be best to check in with a cardiologist.

My appointment was today and I won myself 24 hours in a harness monitor and an echo-cardiogram next week. While the harness monitor does suck, the worst part is that I have to have my appointments at the actual hospital. Which is under construction. And (obviously) overflowing with sick people. My anxiety was through the roof. And I think they had the heat turned up to about 85F.

Diagnosis? Meh. Probably nothing unusual, but we're doing the tests anyways. EKG looked fine if a little fast. Will have more data next week.

Homework (or 2012 in Review)

Back in December, one of my twitter friends mentioned that she felt like she hadn't done anything in 2012 besides trying to (and failing to) become a parent. Knowing this to be untrue, I assigned her some homework. I told her I wanted to see a list of at least one fun/cool/brave thing she had done for each month of 2012 outside of family building efforts.

Upon reflection, I decided that I should make my own list to remind me that 2012 was more than just the Year of the Donor Egg. Without further ado:

January - Prof and I went outside and took nighttime self-portraits in a snowstorm.
February - BFF(H) came for a long weekend and we all went night sledding.
March - I kind of lost March... we had an early spring and I know I did a lot of gardening.
April - I donated the last of my unused IVF meds to another couple with no Rx coverage.
May - I met @thisispersonal and she bought me my first martini in NYC.
June - Prof and I planted an herb garden along the side of our house.
July - I tried dragon fruit for the first time and my mom came for a visit.
August - We attended the wedding of a long time friend.
September - I turned 40 and survived the experience.
October - Prof and I took a torchlight tour of our local cemetery.
November - I voted. Not my first time, but it always feels like such a big deal.
December - Spent the holidays with all four of our parents in the same house.

I also thought I'd follow up on my New Year's Resolutions from 2012. I think we only missed one month of photos (March again... what on earth was I doing in March?). I also managed to get cards to my grandma all but one month (not March this time) and talked to both of my parents at least once per week, if not always on Sunday. I did not get a new job title, though it was a near miss. I did at least get the pay raise that was supposed to accompany the new job title. So pretty good results. My resolution for this year may just be to keep it up.

First Trimester Down

THAT's hard to believe... We had our scan last week followed by some blood work. I've waited to post since we didn't get our actual results till the blood work came back. All appears to be well! Our risk for Down's and Trisomy18 is low and my midwife was very pleased.

The scan took about thirty minutes and involved lots of different views of the inhabitant from different angles. We saw two arms, two legs, a little facial profile, a little brain and even some fingers. There was a lot of jumping around going on as well, which made me wonder how I could possibly NOT be feeling it. But I'm not. The tech took all the necessary measurements and gave us a couple of pictures to take home.

The big topic of debate around here now is... when do we go public? The parents are bugging us weekly about when they can start telling people. Statistically, at this point things are probably going to be just fine. Being part of this community has given us far too many glimpses of ways that this COULD go wrong even now, and it's hard to trust the statistics after all we have gone through. On the other hand, this will be our only pregnancy and it would be nice to enjoy it. It would be nice to let our parents enjoy it.

Further to that debate, is the question of how much to share when we do go public. I feel pretty strongly that NOT sharing the fact that we used donor eggs would be doing a disservice to other infertile couples. I wouldn't want to distress any infertile friends with our announcement. I also don't want to perpetuate the myth that women can just up and get pregnant at my age when most can't. We agreed before we stepped onto this path that we didn't ever want our use of donor eggs to be perceived as secret or shameful, because we don't want the child to feel ashamed. The tricky bit is that once that information is out there, we can't get it back.

So yeah... debate ongoing.

Progress (Making Some)

Happy Belated Holidays! We are finally home and settled in again after two weeks away with family. I may never leave again. This post will be a pregnancy update. Just the facts, not much in the way of feelings. Feelings are on hold until we know if the inhabitant is healthy.

I am now eleven weeks pregnant and still having trouble believing it's real. I got the all clear to stop all of my support meds and have been released from the fertility clinic. I guess I've graduated. I do NOT miss the PIO shots or the estrogen patches. Not even a little. I had gained three whole pounds as of my midwife appointment last week. I suspect one of those pounds was my lunch, since the previous weigh-in was at a pre-meal appointment. Considering the number of Christmas cookies and cheese logs I consumed in the interim, I'm feeling OK about that. We also got to hear the heartbeat at the midwife appointment, so we know the inhabitant is still alive in there. Massive relief.

Who'd have thought, but those three pounds mean I've had to put away my regular jeans and workday slacks in favor of some in larger sizes that I stored after losing weight a while back. The styles are a trifle dated (three years or so) but I'm hoping to avoid buying maternity clothes for a little while yet. It feels like jinxing things somehow. Not sure how long I'll be able to swing that. I asked the midwife how my short-waisted torso would impact things and she said I would definitely start showing sooner.

I still don't have much to tell in the way of symptoms. The heartburn has gone away and I'm certainly not constipated. My gag reflex is still off the hook, but I haven't actually vomited. No consistent food cravings or aversions, but my thoughts on any given meal are generally pretty strong. A food either sounds good, or I'd rather just go hungry. I've also had to reduce my portion sizes, as I just can't hold as much food anymore. Seems early for that but perhaps it's the short waist at work again? I'm peeing a lot, but that's nothing new. My tiny bladder is a longstanding family joke.

My one major symptom is fatigue and it is starting to get me down. Napping doesn't work for me, so I find myself thinking about bedtime as early as 8:00 and finally giving in and crawling in bed between 9-9:30 at night. I can sleep for 12 hours and eight hours after I wake up, I'm wiped out again. I'm getting nothing done after work and I really miss those extra hours with Prof, but I can't keep my eyes open. Prof is my hero, as always. He is supportive and accommodating without being fussy. He never complains about me being too tired to do anything or too picky about meals.

We have our first trimester screening next week, and we are suitably nervous. I know that with (nice, young, proven) donor eggs the chance of a problem is greatly reduced, BUT... with eleven eggs resulting in only one embryo, I can't help but wonder at the odds of the resulting fetus being perfectly healthy. I suppose that's the main "feeling" right now... nervous.

Uncharted Territory

We had our first ultrasound late last week. One little inhabitant with a heartbeat, measuring exactly on target. This is a first in our four year journey. There were more than two people with tears in their eyes at the clinic that morning. I swear the nurses came out of the woodwork to congratulate us. It was so very sweet.

I have to admit, it was just a little bittersweet to see that there was only one. We will not be doing another cycle for any reason. We are done, and there are no freezer babies. If this little one makes it, he/she will be an only child. It's hard to explain... we are both only children and I think we are feeling the pressure as our parents begin to age. I suppose a sibling is no guarantee of shared burden or support, but it just seems like it would be nice to have one.

I had blood work done as well and they are beginning to wean me off some of my meds already. I will have one more blood draw in two weeks to determine the next dosage reduction and will be off all meds entirely sometime between Christmas and New Year's. SO SOON!

As my midwife requested, I sent her an email after the scan to let her know the details. She was also very excited and told me to go ahead and call for an appointment. Sadly, I will not be having another scan, probably until the NT scan with my midwife in January (I think).

Good, Bad & Ugly

GOOD: Beta #3 came back over 4,300 which means it continues to more-than-double every 48 hours. The clinic is very pleased, so they don't need any more bloodwork. Our first ultrasound will be late next week.

YAY!!!

BAD: I have had three asthma attacks in eight days requiring my rescue inhaler. My midwife told me about 30% of pregnant women with asthma will see an increase in attacks. Once again, I am the "lucky" one.

BOO...Hiss...

UGLY: Lots of spotting this morning... all brown/beige. No cramping. I called the clinic and the nurse assured me that this was quite normal and as long as it stayed brown and there were no cramps, I should try not to worry. Easier said than done. It seems to have cleared up. Here's hoping it stays that way.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Results Are In (or Holy Shit! I'm Actually Pregnant!)

There you have it!

12dpD3t - BETA#1 (106)
14dpD3t - BETA#2 (272) YAY!!!!!! More than double in 48 hours. I'm finally starting to think this might just be OK. Definite improvement over my only other BFP ever, at any rate.

That first beta saw the fastest blood results ever at one hour and ten minutes from draw to call. The blood processing lady was actually standing at the door while the tech drew my blood and whisked it away for immediate processing. One hour and ten minutes later and my RE called personally. He gave us a due date at the end of July and told me to stay on all my meds and go for my second beta in 48 hours. The really funny thing was that the nurse called three hours later to give me my numbers. She had no idea my RE had snapped up my results and called me personally.

I will admit to being somewhat in shock. And still half convinced that it will all go wrong somewhere. But RIGHT NOW... I am pregnant.

PSA: Stopping vs Quitting

PLEASE NOTE: This is NOT an announcement of the outcome of our cycle (beta results in a few days). It is simply a subject that has been weighing on my mind in recent weeks.

Apparently, it has to be said. Stopping is not the same as Quitting.

It is a subtle difference, but an important one. Quitting implies action ceased due to frustration or fear of failure. Stopping implies action ceased due to desire, an educated decision or strength of conviction.

I knew going into this DEIVF cycle that it would be our last, no matter the outcome. Our hearts and our wallets are exhausted. This was part of our decision making process going into the cycle... do we have the reserves to get through even this one more? We decided that we did, but that it had to be the final attempt. Half way through the cycle, I had the realization that indeed, I do not have the heart to do this ever again. In the card we wrote to include with our gift for our egg donor, I thanked her for giving us the opportunity to find peace no matter the outcome. And that is just the thing. This cycle represents our limit. We can move into our future knowing that we did everything we could. We will not look back and regret stopping here. Of course, a negative result or another loss will be heartbreaking without question. But we can find peace.

In this community, those few of us who resolve our infertility journey by choosing to move on child free are often rather frightening to those still in the trenches. They see only "giving up" without the release of a future that was chosen. They offer support in the form they themselves still need: encouragement to keep trying, keep looking for answers, get another opinion. It is well intentioned, but misplaced support.

What we really need, when we reach this point, is for the community to wish us peace with our choice. We need respect for the strength it has taken to make that choice. We need to not be ignored, just because our situation makes people uncomfortable. We also need to remember that resolving this journey without a child does not invalidate the years of struggle and the experiences we have had. We can be a resource to those still struggling. We can be an inspiration to those who are questioning their reserves.

Making PIO My Bitch

I am happy to report that the PIO shots continue to go smoothly and (very nearly) painlessly. They hurt about as much as the old GonalF injections, which is to say, not much to speak of. I can honestly say I'd take the PIO shot instead of a flu shot any day! I also tend to bruise if you look at me too hard, but my backside remains unmarked.

Since this is notably unusual, I thought I would share our technique as best I can. Keep in mind, neither of us is a medical professional and your doctor may have different instructions for you. Below are the instructions our doctor gave us.

1. Warm the PIO to body temperature by tucking the vial into my bra for about 30 minutes pre-shot.
2. Swab the top of the vial and then the injection site with alcohol.
3. Using the larger needle, pull out the syringe plunger to 1cc (my dose) and insert into the vial.
4. Push plunger in completely and then draw the dose into the syringe, taking care to eliminate any bubbles.
5. Switch to the smaller (injecting) needle and push the plunger carefully until a bead of oil appears at the end of the needle.
6. I bend over the back of a chair, resting my ribcage on the chair back and my elbows on the table, putting all my weight on my left leg for a right-side injection (or my right leg for a left-side injection).
7. Prof uses one hand to pinch up the flesh in the target area and the other hand to work the syringe.
8. Needle goes in all the way, and quickly.
9. Prof maintains the "pinch" with one hand and shifts his grip on the syringe to be more stable/steady.
10. Pull back on the plunger. If blood appears in the syringe, pull the needle out and reinsert in a different spot. If the plunger resists and there is no blood, proceed with the injection (maintaining the "pinch" at all times).
11. When the full dose has been injected, remove the needle and apply pressure with a sterile gauze pad.
12. Massage gently, stroking outward from the injection site to disperse the oil.
13. Apply a band-aid (just in case). The band-aid also helps me remember which side was done last.

PSA - Never reuse needles and always dispose of them in an approved sharps container.

In discussing this with Prof, we've decided that confidence on the part of the person wielding the needle goes a long way to minimizing pain.* Don't hesitate! Get the needle all the way in quickly, in one stroke, then keep the syringe steady (no wiggling). While injecting, push the plunger in slowly and evenly. Prof takes nearly 10 seconds the push through the 1cc dose.

*If the person doing the injecting needs some practice to build their confidence, an orange makes a good target (just use water in the syringe). This will provide an opportunity to work on quick insertion and maintaining a steady hand while managing the syringe one-handed.

And Then There Were None (UPDATED)

The clinic called on Day6 to let us know that none of the remaining six embryos made it to blastocyst. As such they are not viable and will be discarded. I knew the quality wasn't great, but it was a severe shock to realize they are all gone. I spent the day crying on and off. I know they transferred the two best on Day3, but I now have serious doubts about their chances.

Prof said that as disappointing and worrying as it is, at least this is a clear end. If this cycle works, it works. If it doesn't, we are done. We don't even have to worry about whether or not to do an FET. He is right on that score, but that doesn't make it hurt any less today.

UPDATED: For the record, there is not really a concern with the donor's egg quality. She was a proven donor with a highly successful previous record. We do not have any idea what went wrong.

Transfer (and Correction)

Transfer went smoothly - two eight-cell embryos! You gotta love those high-res ultrasound machines - and seeing the little white bubble left behind when they pulled back the catheter. I was instructed to take two days of couch-rest (no cooking/cleaning or other exertion) and we got a little picture to take home.

It turns out, since we had fewer than 10 viable eggs they used ICSI on all of them. All eight that fertilized were still growing at the time of transfer, though the embryologist did say some of them were growing slowly and wouldn't be expected to make it to freeze (he didn't say how many). He will call us later this week to let us know the final stats.

We have also started the PIO shots and I am happy to report that so far, it does not hurt one bit. Prof has lots of IM injection experience from the days when he helped care for his Dad, so I'm guessing that helps. Dare I hope this will continue to be the case?

So now, we wait. Of course my RE is one of those who like a little extra time before beta, so it will be nearly Thanksgiving before we have any real results. We are still debating the wisdom of POAS (I am pro and Prof is con). I am remarkably calm for now and very much aware that if this going to work, it will work and there's not much else I can do. 

Just the Facts (UPDATED)

After a certain amount of drama resulting from storm-related issues, our donor took her trigger shot and our retrieval is done!* My original medication calendar has been revised so many times that they had to write me a new one from scratch. It has been... a roller coaster of a week, but for the moment there is hope.

Prof went by himself to drop off the swim team (a first in our ART adventures). Afterwards, he said the crowd in the waiting room was particularly bizarre. So bizarre that he thought perhaps someone slipped some LSD in his coffee.

The nurse called a few hours post-retrieval to let us know that we got eleven eggs. They will do ICSI on half and let the rest fertilize naturally (or as naturally as possible when floating in a petri dish). Don't ask me how they "half" an odd number of eggs...

Welcome to my sci-fi life.

UPDATED:
Nine of the eleven eggs were mature.
Eight fertilized.
We are scheduled for a Day3 transfer.


*You wouldn't believe the amount of tension and relief deceptively encapsulated in that single sentence. Really, I should get some kind of award for understatement there.

A-Feared

I'm so scared that this will be another one of those cycles, where just enough goes RIGHT before it all goes wrong... leaving us feeling like we really should dig just a little deeper and give it another shot. Funny. It only rarely occurs to me that things might only go right, and then that little voice says, "Yeah, sure. I've got a bridge you might be interested in as well."

This time last year, I was processing the fact that my ovaries were out of the game. We spent nearly three months debating the decision between walking away and getting on with a childfree future versus one last hurrah with donor eggs. Ultimately, the whole point of moving to donor eggs was to reach a place where we wouldn't feel like we should have done something more.

I'm afraid of the cycle failing, but being left feeling like there's more we could try.