Happy Belated Holidays! We are finally home and settled in again after two weeks away with family. I may never leave again. This post will be a pregnancy update. Just the facts, not much in the way of feelings. Feelings are on hold until we know if the inhabitant is healthy.
I am now eleven weeks pregnant and still having trouble believing it's real. I got the all clear to stop all of my support meds and have been released
from the fertility clinic. I guess I've graduated. I do NOT miss the PIO
shots or the estrogen patches. Not even a little. I had gained three whole pounds as of my midwife appointment last week. I suspect one of those pounds was my lunch, since the previous weigh-in was at a pre-meal appointment. Considering the number of Christmas cookies and cheese logs I consumed in the interim, I'm feeling OK about that. We also got to hear the heartbeat at the midwife appointment, so we know the inhabitant is still alive in there. Massive relief.
Who'd have thought, but those three pounds mean I've had to put away my regular jeans and workday slacks in favor of some in larger sizes that I stored after losing weight a while back. The styles are a trifle dated (three years or so) but I'm hoping to avoid buying maternity clothes for a little while yet. It feels like jinxing things somehow. Not sure how long I'll be able to swing that. I asked the midwife how my short-waisted torso would impact things and she said I would definitely start showing sooner.
I still don't have much to tell in the way of symptoms. The heartburn has gone away and I'm certainly not constipated. My gag reflex is still off the hook, but I haven't actually vomited. No consistent food cravings or aversions, but my thoughts on any given meal are generally pretty strong. A food either sounds good, or I'd rather just go hungry. I've also had to reduce my portion sizes, as I just can't hold as much food anymore. Seems early for that but perhaps it's the short waist at work again? I'm peeing a lot, but that's nothing new. My tiny bladder is a longstanding family joke.
My one major symptom is fatigue and it is starting to get me down. Napping doesn't work for me, so I find myself thinking about bedtime as early as 8:00 and finally giving in and crawling in bed between 9-9:30 at night. I can sleep for 12 hours and eight hours after I wake up, I'm wiped out again. I'm getting nothing done after work and I really miss those extra hours with Prof, but I can't keep my eyes open. Prof is my hero, as always. He is supportive and accommodating without being fussy. He never complains about me being too tired to do anything or too picky about meals.
We have our first trimester screening next week, and we are suitably nervous. I know that with (nice, young, proven) donor eggs the chance of a problem is greatly reduced, BUT... with eleven eggs resulting in only one embryo, I can't help but wonder at the odds of the resulting fetus being perfectly healthy. I suppose that's the main "feeling" right now... nervous.
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Nothing Owed
Thanksgiving was hard.
Our parents came to visit for a few days to celebrate the holiday with us. Keep in mind that they don't know we are TTC or that we have been doing treaments. Over the years, it has become clear that they have decided that we just don't want kids. They no longer press us about grandchildren, but the subject does come up in their conversations. Not so much that they want grandkids, more the acknowledgement that there won't be any. They don't even say anything to us directly, they just mention it between them in our hearing. So there was that.
And then there was a phone call that I overheard. I don't know if my Dad even knew I could hear him from the other room. The comment I heard was:
"He said, 'Doesn't she know she OWES you a grandchild?" And I said 'She doesn't OWE me ANYTHING... that's bullshit!'" Blah, blah, blah... at which point I kind of wanted to vomit. I was so proud of my Dad, even through the red haze of outrage that he was having to field those kinds of comments. Better him than me I suppose.
I laid in bed for hours that night, with those words running round and round through my head. The arrogance and ignorance behind them is appalling. I am still incredibly angry. I don't know who said that to him, and I won't ask. If it was a close friend or family member, I prefer not to destroy my relationship with them over that knowledge. BUT. God forbid they use those words in my presence, I will not be held responsible for my reaction and it will not be pretty.
If someone were to (or has) said this to you, how would (did) you respond? How did you wish you had responded?
Our parents came to visit for a few days to celebrate the holiday with us. Keep in mind that they don't know we are TTC or that we have been doing treaments. Over the years, it has become clear that they have decided that we just don't want kids. They no longer press us about grandchildren, but the subject does come up in their conversations. Not so much that they want grandkids, more the acknowledgement that there won't be any. They don't even say anything to us directly, they just mention it between them in our hearing. So there was that.
And then there was a phone call that I overheard. I don't know if my Dad even knew I could hear him from the other room. The comment I heard was:
"He said, 'Doesn't she know she OWES you a grandchild?" And I said 'She doesn't OWE me ANYTHING... that's bullshit!'" Blah, blah, blah... at which point I kind of wanted to vomit. I was so proud of my Dad, even through the red haze of outrage that he was having to field those kinds of comments. Better him than me I suppose.
I laid in bed for hours that night, with those words running round and round through my head. The arrogance and ignorance behind them is appalling. I am still incredibly angry. I don't know who said that to him, and I won't ask. If it was a close friend or family member, I prefer not to destroy my relationship with them over that knowledge. BUT. God forbid they use those words in my presence, I will not be held responsible for my reaction and it will not be pretty.
If someone were to (or has) said this to you, how would (did) you respond? How did you wish you had responded?
Friday, December 31, 2010
At Last, 2010 in Re(ar)view
My first instinct is to say "... and good riddance!" but I have to admit that we learned a lot from this past year. There was a lot of SUCK in 2010, but there was a lot of love too.
I don't do resolutions, never have and I won't start now. We haven't cycled since September (wow - that's hard to wrap my mind around), and at this point it looks like it will be late January before we get another shot. I have been strangely at peace with this whole situation for a while now. I am doing what I can on the most efficient time line I can manage, and that needs to be enough. I need to stop dwelling on obstacles and failures, and focus on Life.
I would like to think of 2011 as the Year of Letting Go. Whatever your hopes are for this New Year, my hope for you is a spirit of peace with whatever your future holds. I know that is my hope for myself.
- We are both gainfully employed, and even had a good year financially.
- I got to see BFF(H), which doesn't happen nearly as often as I'd like.
- I discovered the incredible IF community support, first on Twitter and then here in Blogland, without which I would certainly have run screaming mad months ago. Love y'all. Seriously.
- All of our parental units are safe and healthy, and we got to spend time with them.
- We are knocking out our debts one by one.
- Given all that we've been through, the Professor and I are in a good place in our relationship. We haven't suffered in that respect due to this IF journey.
I don't do resolutions, never have and I won't start now. We haven't cycled since September (wow - that's hard to wrap my mind around), and at this point it looks like it will be late January before we get another shot. I have been strangely at peace with this whole situation for a while now. I am doing what I can on the most efficient time line I can manage, and that needs to be enough. I need to stop dwelling on obstacles and failures, and focus on Life.
I would like to think of 2011 as the Year of Letting Go. Whatever your hopes are for this New Year, my hope for you is a spirit of peace with whatever your future holds. I know that is my hope for myself.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
My Wish for You
My Mom is in town for the holidays, and Prof's family will be arriving shortly, so I won't be around much for a while, my dear interwebs. I am so glad to get some time off work, and some time with at least a handful of my loved ones.
I hope you all find some peace for yourselves during what is undeniably a difficult time for us all, and may the New Year be better than the last.
I hope you all find some peace for yourselves during what is undeniably a difficult time for us all, and may the New Year be better than the last.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Tis the Season
I've already shared my feelings on this time of year, and none of that has changed, but this has been a particularly difficult Christmas season. I can't quite put my finger on why this is. I'm hoping that writing things out will help me clarify things and maybe that will help me get past it.
Oddly enough, my gloom doesn't SEEM to have anything to do with the absence of offspring in my home. That is a fairly persistent, dare I say, permanent gloom. A not-so-low-level hum of sadness that rests like a wet blanket on my everyday life. But I'm not really dwelling on that any MORE than I was last month, or the month before.
So why does the pile of yet-to-be-wrapped gifts on the dining room table cause me to break into tears? (Actually, this one I know. Those gifts don't seem nice enough, creative enough, just plain good enough for the lovely people I bought them for. And that breaks my heart) Why can't I seem to get off the couch to put ornaments on the tree that Prof so sweetly set up and strung with lights? Why does the thought of the cookies and other treats I still need to bake cause my stomach to turn? Why haven't I been able to sign our names to the Christmas cards and put stamps on them?
I don't know what (if any) relationship there is, but I do know I have been feeling much less confident and competent for the last few months. I've spent two years now doing everything I know to do in an attempt to bring our child into the world, with no success and no explanation of why nothing has worked. I have failed at the most basic, biological level. I know this won't be a surprise to any of you IF'ers, but this fundamental failure is coloring my perception of every other aspect of my life. Clue #1.
Ah.
If you back up a few lines, there's Clue #2. Two years. In 10 days, we will hit the anniversary of our one and only BFP, our one and only glimmer of hope that we might ever see success. In just over two weeks, we will mark the two year anniversary of throwing away the BCPs. And the one year anniversary of learning that our BFP wouldn't last. In just over a month, we will be at the one year anniversary of the miscarriage that ended that lone BFP.
That's a lot of weight for a festive season to bear.
Oddly enough, my gloom doesn't SEEM to have anything to do with the absence of offspring in my home. That is a fairly persistent, dare I say, permanent gloom. A not-so-low-level hum of sadness that rests like a wet blanket on my everyday life. But I'm not really dwelling on that any MORE than I was last month, or the month before.
So why does the pile of yet-to-be-wrapped gifts on the dining room table cause me to break into tears? (Actually, this one I know. Those gifts don't seem nice enough, creative enough, just plain good enough for the lovely people I bought them for. And that breaks my heart) Why can't I seem to get off the couch to put ornaments on the tree that Prof so sweetly set up and strung with lights? Why does the thought of the cookies and other treats I still need to bake cause my stomach to turn? Why haven't I been able to sign our names to the Christmas cards and put stamps on them?
I don't know what (if any) relationship there is, but I do know I have been feeling much less confident and competent for the last few months. I've spent two years now doing everything I know to do in an attempt to bring our child into the world, with no success and no explanation of why nothing has worked. I have failed at the most basic, biological level. I know this won't be a surprise to any of you IF'ers, but this fundamental failure is coloring my perception of every other aspect of my life. Clue #1.
Ah.
If you back up a few lines, there's Clue #2. Two years. In 10 days, we will hit the anniversary of our one and only BFP, our one and only glimmer of hope that we might ever see success. In just over two weeks, we will mark the two year anniversary of throwing away the BCPs. And the one year anniversary of learning that our BFP wouldn't last. In just over a month, we will be at the one year anniversary of the miscarriage that ended that lone BFP.
That's a lot of weight for a festive season to bear.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Mumble, Mumble, Moan
Fair warning - this is mostly moaning.
The family has vacated the premises, so it's safe to log back in. We had a lovely (if short) visit with the parents. We ate way too much and drank too much wine, and there is enough food (and wine) left over to feed another table of six. I didn't even bother to log my calories on myfit.nesspal. BFF(B) very kindly stashed my meds in her fridge so the parents wouldn't accidentally stumble on them and NOBODY mentioned grandkids or babies at all. Nice.
Started working on the Christmas lists (for giving and receiving). Actually ventured into the retail wilds on Saturday and scored a few gifties for Prof so I can start crossing things off! That was traumatic enough, I think I'll stick to the internet for the remainder. Funny, I used to love shopping, but now it's absolute torture.
Pre-op consultation with the RE is this Tuesday. No idea yet when the surgery will be, but this will get us on the waiting list so if someone else cancels in December we might get in sooner rather than later. Otherwise, looks like it might be January. More waiting.
I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how we'll pay for the IVF if we end up on that road. My maxed out FSA will cover most of it, but they don't cut me a check until a procedure has been performed and a claim sent in. The IVF has to be paid in full two weeks before retrieval. Which leaves a gap that my credit card can't handle. So there's that.
I have our last major work event of the year coming up this Thursday. I had to leave this event early last year with the onset of what I have since decided was an early miscarriage. After three days of sore boobs and brief flashes of nausea (the likes of which I had never experienced before and have not seen since), I got what was one of the worst periods of my life right in the middle of this event. My period is due over the weekend (can't pinpoint since I didn't track ovulation this cycle), so if my luteal phase is shortened, I may get to have my period for the event this year as well! Good times, can't wait.
We should get our new appliances this week (if all goes according to plan - ha! ha!) and I need new tires on my car before we get actual snowfall (or godforbid ICE). I'm more thankful than I can express that we have the cash to do these things right now and don't need the credit card for Christmas gifts this year. Not all bad.
Every inch of my body hurts and if I breathe deeply, I get an unpleasant hot feeling in my lungs. With everything I need to accomplish this week, I DO NOT need the flu. I just want this week to be over already.
The family has vacated the premises, so it's safe to log back in. We had a lovely (if short) visit with the parents. We ate way too much and drank too much wine, and there is enough food (and wine) left over to feed another table of six. I didn't even bother to log my calories on myfit.nesspal. BFF(B) very kindly stashed my meds in her fridge so the parents wouldn't accidentally stumble on them and NOBODY mentioned grandkids or babies at all. Nice.
Started working on the Christmas lists (for giving and receiving). Actually ventured into the retail wilds on Saturday and scored a few gifties for Prof so I can start crossing things off! That was traumatic enough, I think I'll stick to the internet for the remainder. Funny, I used to love shopping, but now it's absolute torture.
Pre-op consultation with the RE is this Tuesday. No idea yet when the surgery will be, but this will get us on the waiting list so if someone else cancels in December we might get in sooner rather than later. Otherwise, looks like it might be January. More waiting.
I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how we'll pay for the IVF if we end up on that road. My maxed out FSA will cover most of it, but they don't cut me a check until a procedure has been performed and a claim sent in. The IVF has to be paid in full two weeks before retrieval. Which leaves a gap that my credit card can't handle. So there's that.
I have our last major work event of the year coming up this Thursday. I had to leave this event early last year with the onset of what I have since decided was an early miscarriage. After three days of sore boobs and brief flashes of nausea (the likes of which I had never experienced before and have not seen since), I got what was one of the worst periods of my life right in the middle of this event. My period is due over the weekend (can't pinpoint since I didn't track ovulation this cycle), so if my luteal phase is shortened, I may get to have my period for the event this year as well! Good times, can't wait.
We should get our new appliances this week (if all goes according to plan - ha! ha!) and I need new tires on my car before we get actual snowfall (or godforbid ICE). I'm more thankful than I can express that we have the cash to do these things right now and don't need the credit card for Christmas gifts this year. Not all bad.
Every inch of my body hurts and if I breathe deeply, I get an unpleasant hot feeling in my lungs. With everything I need to accomplish this week, I DO NOT need the flu. I just want this week to be over already.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Just to Hear Myself Talk
Still trying to manage direct contact with my original RE (really need a name for him) to discuss next steps in regards to the saline sono-thing and the polyps. I left a message, but have not received a call-back. I'll try again Monday. Not critical yet as the whole records transfer thing is still in process, but I just want to feel like I have a plan of action. I'm really in limbo at the moment. Not quite Hell, but it sucks all the same.
Tick-tock, people. Tick. Tock.
Professor is home safe and sound, no further airplane malfunctions. He did opt-out of the nudie scanners and got thoroughly groped for it. He also caught a bug and has been a little under the weather, but all in all, just glad to have him back.
We ordered a new fridge and stove on Saturday. The ones we have now came with the house when we bought it and have seen better days. Neither were much to speak of when they were new, and that was clearly a long time ago. We had hoped to have the new ones in place for Thanksgiving, but alas, that was not to be. I am inordinately excited by the prospect of new appliances. I keep catching myself giggling at the prospect of loading up my fancy new fridge shelves. And an ice-maker! At last! With these appliances installed, our kitchen will be done! We have been working on it little by little since we bought the house over four years ago. I think the master bedroom may be next...
This will be a busy week. I have a haircut and we are double-dating with BFF(B) and her DH on Tuesday - to see HP7! We also have rather a lot of housekeeping to get done as we are hosting my Dad and both of Prof's parents for Thanksgiving this year (thus the hope for the early appliance delivery).
May not be posting again before the holiday, so just in case:
Happy Thanksgiving! Try not throttle anyone!
Tick-tock, people. Tick. Tock.
Professor is home safe and sound, no further airplane malfunctions. He did opt-out of the nudie scanners and got thoroughly groped for it. He also caught a bug and has been a little under the weather, but all in all, just glad to have him back.
We ordered a new fridge and stove on Saturday. The ones we have now came with the house when we bought it and have seen better days. Neither were much to speak of when they were new, and that was clearly a long time ago. We had hoped to have the new ones in place for Thanksgiving, but alas, that was not to be. I am inordinately excited by the prospect of new appliances. I keep catching myself giggling at the prospect of loading up my fancy new fridge shelves. And an ice-maker! At last! With these appliances installed, our kitchen will be done! We have been working on it little by little since we bought the house over four years ago. I think the master bedroom may be next...
This will be a busy week. I have a haircut and we are double-dating with BFF(B) and her DH on Tuesday - to see HP7! We also have rather a lot of housekeeping to get done as we are hosting my Dad and both of Prof's parents for Thanksgiving this year (thus the hope for the early appliance delivery).
May not be posting again before the holiday, so just in case:
Happy Thanksgiving! Try not throttle anyone!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Happy Holidays (harumph)
I love the Holiday Season, as long as it stays a few months in the future! There's something magical about the promise the holidays hold as long as they aren't right upon us. Of course, once we hit November 1, all bets are off and the stress just builds until the grand yet soporific anti-climax of New Year's Day.
This time of year always brings back memories of idyllic childhood Christmases, and those memories get all rolled up with the stories in the multitude of holiday children's picture books I've collected over the years. My Mom is a regular June Cleaver and really did an amazing job of building these memories for me to carry forward. She would be in the kitchen baking holiday treats while my Dad fought with the Christmas lights in the living room, and I would bounce between the two "helping". Somehow these ghosts of Christmas past are so seductive in their air of fantasy, that there can be no chance of present-day reality living up to their standard. I know I'm not alone in this, that this is part of being a grown-up. But I can't help but think that, in the usual way of things, grown-ups get to move through this transition into recreating those fantasies for their children, sharing the stories with new little ears, seeing the lights with new eyes. And we all know how that's panning out in this house.
So all of that leads to a host of conflicting emotions. I feel like I should be jolly and hopeful, but I can't help reminding myself of Reality. I want to be generous and giving, but some days have trouble just dragging myself along.
Sorry if this post was a bit of a bummer for you guys, but it's where I'm at today. I know this is no great revelation. This is just Life. It is what it is and it's down to me to make the most of it.
This time of year always brings back memories of idyllic childhood Christmases, and those memories get all rolled up with the stories in the multitude of holiday children's picture books I've collected over the years. My Mom is a regular June Cleaver and really did an amazing job of building these memories for me to carry forward. She would be in the kitchen baking holiday treats while my Dad fought with the Christmas lights in the living room, and I would bounce between the two "helping". Somehow these ghosts of Christmas past are so seductive in their air of fantasy, that there can be no chance of present-day reality living up to their standard. I know I'm not alone in this, that this is part of being a grown-up. But I can't help but think that, in the usual way of things, grown-ups get to move through this transition into recreating those fantasies for their children, sharing the stories with new little ears, seeing the lights with new eyes. And we all know how that's panning out in this house.
So all of that leads to a host of conflicting emotions. I feel like I should be jolly and hopeful, but I can't help reminding myself of Reality. I want to be generous and giving, but some days have trouble just dragging myself along.
- I hate traveling.
- I hate family drama.
- I hate feeling like I have to go broke to make things "Merry".
- I hate wondering if this will be my last Christmas with my grandma.
- I hate the fear of the inevitable questions about the absence of offspring in our marriage.
- I love evergreen scented candles.
- I love Christmas trees and decorations.
- I love making cookies and other tasty treats to share.
- I love the early season snowfalls, as long as I'm not driving.
- I love sitting down for a big family meal and seeing my loved ones faces around the table.
Sorry if this post was a bit of a bummer for you guys, but it's where I'm at today. I know this is no great revelation. This is just Life. It is what it is and it's down to me to make the most of it.
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